You remember back when you were in school. Everyone wanted to be “liked” by everyone else. In fact, even the word “like”, implies a connection between sameness and affection. No to mention that when you’re a teenager, to be like someone is often a prerequisite for being liked by that person.
There were, of course, different ways to conform and court popularity. You could play up an inherent trait and look for people with similar qualities. Funny people might end up in the Drama club, physically strong people might come together in the Weight-lifting club, fearless craziness could get you in with the Rock climbers, and people with an aptitude for argument or ideas would get drawn together into Debate or Science clubs… Or you could meld yourself to a social clique based on shared interests: Punks, Goths, Arties, Geeks or Stoners, etc. You could even conform to a group of people who specialized in not seeming to care about conforming. They were the “Cool” kids. Yet you didn’t just mould yourself to other people’s interests, talents, or skills. You used your own interests, talents, and skills to gravitate toward – or to even attract – people who shared them. And, out of the conformist cliques based on some type of talent or skill would come the perfection of that talent or skill.
Next came work, and accomplishment, and rewards; all of which reduced the pressure to conform almost to the point where it didn’t exist. You conformed along the lines of who you were and what you did best, and after a short while your substance as an individual replaced the need to conform. The singularity of your personality and your achievements attracted people even more than your reassuring resemblance to them did. You became an adult.
However, there was always one type of person that didn’t belong to any particular group. He belonged to every group. He (or even she) didn’t gravitate toward a clique based on a shared interest, or talent, or skill. He gravitated toward any clique that would have him.
He could be the “class clown” who ingratiated himself at the price of his dignity; or the kid that vandalized bus shelters, or caused outrage in order to please. Or she was the “easy” girl. Such a person didn’t appeal to others on the basis of a quality that they shared with them, or a quality which was also the essence of an activity that did not belong to everyone: athletic prowess, dramatic skill, intellectual capacity, etc. Such a person divorced popularity from identity, and from the kind of accomplishment that might boost self-esteem and strengthen identity. He transformed his very self – not his interests, talents, or skills, his self – into a product that he tailored to fit the needs of others. For this type of person, there was no such thing as other people to try to relate to. There was only an audience to try to please.
Therefore, in your quest to have a better, more fulfilling sex life, avoid this type of “universal personality”, which plays to the lowest common denominator.
The person who will do anything to be popular is the most basic kind of person, since he depends only on his ability to become like other people, rather than on some personal talent that might make him superior to other people.
Posted by Jonathan as Philosophy, Sociology at 2:28 AM BST
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Skin is always in and good skin is one of the most attractive features a woman can have, so concentrate your time taking care of your skin, and you’ll need less make-up to look gorgeous. The most attractive skin is measured by its smoothness, evenness of tone and pore size.
Here’s how to get it! Make sure all products in your cabinet match your skins ever changing condition – your face soap especially. So take extra special care of dry skin with a quality creamy cleanser, and use moisturizer with sun block to combat the drying effects of the sun. If you have normal to oily use a neutral pH product, but not one that leaves your face tight. You may be trying to get back at your oily skin, and enjoy the feeling of a perfectly oil free skin for a few moments, but your face will not appreciate the over zealousness, and the oil will return with a vengeance thanks to a reaction by sebaceous glands.
At night use a quality moisturizer with beta or alpha hydroxy to reveal fresher, newer skin underneath, and during the day use one with a UVA guard. These products will smooth out the skin, and even reduce the appearance of pores over time.
The only other thing you can do to reduce the appearance of your pore size is to use a pore strip. The effects last about 2 days, and Biore’s strips are the first and best on the market. That’s it. Keep this routine consistent and you’ll have the sexiest skin around.
Okay, so now you’re ready to open up your make-up bag and get down to business. Wait. Before you continue on with your regular routine, rethink the point and start from scratch.
We all use makeup to be more appealing, so make sure your routine does exactly that. First rule of thumb is to know that your face is beautiful just the way it is. If you know this, you are at less danger of using make-up to hide, and using it to enhance instead. There always comes the point where any more is pointless, and then a hindrance.
A good rule of thumb is to remember that just because it’s on the shelf, doesn’t mean it has to be on your face. So let’s start with a bare face and work our way up from there.
Foundation can be a great help to enhance the look of your skin, the sexiest organ there is. But it is also the trickiest makeup you own, and can easily foil your plans for great looking skin. About 45% of women would be greatly benefited by a different colour foundation then the one they currently wear. Please don’t let this be you. You spend countless hours picking out lipstick and eye colour shades, but this time would be much better spent picking out the perfect colour for your foundation.
Most over the counter make-up tends to be too pink for your face, but without proper lighting, you will be unable to tell. Remember, the whole point is to even out the tone, not paint over it with a new colour! Go on a mission to get the perfect colour for your face.
Rule #1: Don’t trust the woman at the cosmetics counter. She’ll get you the closest shade they have, but it may not be the one for you. Be a stickler. Let the woman know you only want the perfect match. She’ll understand, because she would NEVER settle for less than perfect for herself. Try the foundation on, walk out of the store with a compact into the sunlight and into the shade and see what happens. If it’s not perfect – Don’t buy it. If you bought it, don’t wear it. Go for the sheerest texture you feel comfortable with.
Rule #2: Focus on 2-3 things that actually make you more attractive. Remember that too much make-up is often a pet peeve for men, and that goes double when it applies to the girl on their arm.
The first thing a man notices on a woman’s face is her eyes, the second is her mouth. This makes it easy. If you only wear 2 pieces of make-up, make it lipstick/gloss and mascara.
Lips are an erogenous zone: When his eyes are focused on your mouth, he is focused on an erogenous zone and will react accordingly. Men are most attracted to lipstick colours in the red family; it simulates the sympathetic nervous systems reaction to sexual readiness. Read: A sexy mouth. Alright! Forget trend/cute colours, like hot pink, orange, gold or purple. They might get your man’s attention, but he won’t be thinking of kissing those lips. Use a lip liner in a close match to lipstick to smooth the shape of your lips (symmetry is attractive to the human eye and will draw his eyes to your sexy pout).
The eyes have it: We use them to communicate in countless ways including meet, greet, flirt, tell who we are, react and explain – and according to a study by UCLA, 65% of men say they are the first thing they notice about a woman. You want him to focus on your eyes, so that he is looking into you, not over you, and here he will meet the woman he will get to know. Don’t let your make-up be a hindrance here. It is a mistake. Common mistakes are too much eyeliner, non-neutral colours (green, blue, purple, orange).
Widen your eyes with a light colour on the brow and close to the lash, and a neutral colour in the middle.
Use quality soft-black or black mascara and use no more than 2 coats. Clumpy mascara is never attractive. This will draw attention to the eyes, and let you bat like a pro!
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 9:59 PM BST
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Body language is a very tricky subject, because although the guidebooks might state that a certain action means that a women is sexually interested in a man, or a Salesman’s customers are getting bored – even when they’re wrong, the ‘experts’ will still claim that they’re right.
The get out clause for these supposed ‘experts’ is to claim that the woman was interested, but not interested enough to go on a ‘date’ with the man or that the urgent needs of the customers out-weighted the boring sales pitch. Further, the ‘experts’ might even claim that the situation altered the outcome – perhaps because the woman wasn’t in a Bar or somewhere where she might expect to be propositioned, so she didn’t care to take the man’s offer seriously. Or, maybe the Salesman’s customers were uninteresting people themselves, so the dull sales pitch resonated with them, instead of putting them off.
Basically, every time Body language fails, its practitioners will have a dozen or more excuses as to why any given scenario was an exception. Thus, a more clear-cut test is needed, and it occurs to me that in cases of people lying under pressure, we have just that. Because:
- The subjects are either telling the truth or they’re lying, there is no ambiguity, such as confusing love with like, or even different degrees of liking.
- Since the subject is under pressure, they are very likely to care about being caught out, and thus the excuse of “not taking the situation seriously” can’t be used.
Now, this situation might initially seem impossible, but as it happens, these situations do arise occasionally; such as when Criminals pretend to be the victims of crime, and then make televised appeals for help to solve the case. In those instances, the people are definitely lying, because either they later admit that they lied, or are found to guilty by a Court after the Police found new evidence and charged them. Further, since these appeals are televised to the public, the ‘experts’ will be fully aware that they have a golden opportunity to prove their expertise, especially since they can record the appeal and watch the subject forward, backwards, in slow-motion, or as many times as they care to, before making any final decision.
Then, if the oft quoted 7-38-55 rule is applied, 93% of what these criminals are communicating will be giving them away. Yet, to the best of my knowledge, and even after thoroughly searching the Internet, there seems to be no evidence of Body language ‘experts’ going on record and stating that a Person involved in a TV appeal was or wasn’t being truthful.
So, here are some examples of cases where Body language ‘experts’ had the chance to show sceptics how well their ideas work, but skipped the chance, and instead just continued selling their untested ideas to the public, as articles of faith.
The Crime: In 2008, 9-year-old Shannon Matthews disappeared after a School trip.
The Lies: Karen Matthews reported her daughter Shannon missing to the police, and went on to make a number of emotional public appeals for her Daughters return, begging for anyone holding Shannon to let her go.
The Truth: Shannon was found alive, hidden in the base of a bed, at a house belonging to Michael Donovan (Karen’s Boyfriend’s Uncle) – The family were supposedly planning to claim the £50,000 that Newspapers had put up as a reward for Shannon’s return.
The Verdict: Michael Donovan was charged with Kidnapping and False imprisonment, while Karen Matthews was charged with Child neglect and Perverting the course of justice. They were both jailed for eight years. Julian Goose QC said Karen Matthews “lied and lied and lied again”. Detective Superintendent Andy Brennan branded Karen Matthews “Pure evil”.
The Crime: In 2006, Nisha Patel-Nasri was stabbed with her own 13-inch kitchen knife, and bled to death outside her home.
The Lies: Her husband, Fadi Nasri, made a televised appeal for information in the days after his wife’s death, crying crocodile tears, and begging anyone with information to contact the Police.
The Truth: Fadi Nasri wanted to claim his wife’s £350,000 life insurance policy, in order to pay off his debts and continue an affair he was having. So, he arranged for his wife to be at home while he was away, and hired a Drug dealer to organise the killing.
The Verdict: Fadi Nasri, was eventually arrested, and shortly afterwards found guilty of organising his wife’s murder. He was jailed for life.
The Crime: In 2006, A Dog walker found the decomposed remains of Kirsi Gifford-Hull buried in a shallow grave, in woods.
The Lies: Just a few days earlier, her husband Mike Gifford-Hull, had told his children that he’d had a massive argument with his wife and that she had left with her Passport and a substantial sum of money. He then contacted Police claiming that his wife had left him – and later made a TV appeal pleading for his wife to get in touch because their children had made a banner for her birthday.
The Truth: Mike Gifford-Hull had strangled his wife during a row over the state of their marriage and his having had sex with Prostitutes. He then concealed her body.
The Verdict: Mike Gifford-Hull was found guilty of murder and jailed for 17 years. Superintendent David Kilbride said: “Michael Gifford-Hull told lie after lie to the police, to her family in Finland and their two children. He deliberately and carefully laid a false trail involving the apparent disappearance of clothes, money and her Passport.”
The Crime: On Valentine’s Day, in 2005, Joanna Nelson vanished. Police launched a massive search but Miss Nelson’s body was not found until over a month later.
The Lies: Shortly after her disappearance, her Boyfriend Paul Dyson, appeared on television acting very concerned.
The Truth: Under interrogation by Detectives, Dyson eventually cracked and admitted he was responsible for his Girlfriend’s death, saying that he had strangled her after a row about housework.
The Verdict: Paul Dyson was sentenced to life in prison, and Judge Tom Cracknell, highlighted his appearance on the TV appeal for information, saying “You went on TV and displayed breathtaking and nauseating hypocrisy.”
The Crime: In 2002, two 10-year old girls, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman disappeared. They were later found dead in a ditch, and their bodies had been burned.
The Lies: Ian Huntley pretended to help search for the girls, and offered words of sympathy one of their Fathers. He was also broadcast telling reporters: “While there’s no news, there’s a glimmer of hope. I think that’s all we’re clinging onto. It’s just very upsetting to think I might be the last friendly face that these two girls had to speak to before something happened to them.”
The Truth: Huntley later admitted that the girls had died in his house, but claimed that he had accidentally knocked Holly into the bath while helping her control a nosebleed, and then accidentally suffocated Jessica when she started to scream. The police suspect that Huntley killed the girls in a fit of jealous rage, and suggest there may also have been a sexual motive.
The Verdict: Ian Huntley was found guilty of Murder and sentenced to life imprisonment, but the High Court ruled that this crime was so serious that Huntley must remain in prison until he has served at least 40 years. His Girlfriend Maxine Carr, who provided a false alibi, was convicted of perverting the course of justice.
The Crime: Sharon Malone vanished in 1999, and was later found bludgeoned to death in nearby Woodland.
The Lies: Her husband, Garry Malone, had participated in a televised police press conference to appeal for her return, pleading “We missed you over Christmas… The boys missed you and asked after Mummy. Please put our minds at rest… Come home”. He later invented a story about his wife having been killed by a gang, because of an unpaid debt.
The Truth: Mr Malone fleeing the country confirmed the suspicions of Detectives, who had since discovered that his marriage was on the rocks, and Malone facing being financially crippled by a divorce.
The Verdict: Garry Malone was convicted of his wife’s murder, after being extradited from Spain, where he had adopted a new identity. Judge Stephen Kramer sentenced Malone to a minimum of 18 years, and said he was “manipulative, calculating and deceitful”.
The Crime: In 1997, 9-year-old Schoolgirl Zoe Evans went missing from her home. Zoe’s naked body was found six weeks later, in a badger sett.
The Lies: Her Mother, Paula Hamilton, and Stepfather Miles Evans appeared at a press conference, begging for her to come home.
The Truth: It transpired that Zoe had been taken her from her bed and sexually assaulted by her Stepfather – A post-mortem examination showed she died from asphyxiation.
The Verdict: Evans was arrested and eventually convicted of Zoe Evans’ murder.
The Crime: One night in 1996, Lee Harvey was stabbed to death on an isolated road.
The Lies: His Fiancée, Tracie Andrews, told Police that he had been attacked by a motorist after a “road rage” incident. The former Model later appeared at a Police press conference looking distraught and begging for help in catching the killer, claiming a “fat man with staring eyes” had attacked her boyfriend, stabbing him more than thirty times.
The Truth: Detectives became sceptical of the story after it emerged that the couple had a stormy and often violent relationship.
The Verdict: Tracie Andrews was charged with murder, and at her trial a jury was told she had stabbed him to death after a row. She was sentenced to life in Prison.
The Crime: In 1994, Susan Smith told police in South Carolina, USA that she had been Carjacked by a black man who had driven off with her two young sons still in the vehicle.
The Lies: Smith appeared on television appealing for the man to return the children.
The Truth: Nine days later, Smith confessed to Police that she had driven the car into a lake, with her children still inside. It then emerged that she had been having an affair with a man, and had killed her two boys because he had said that he didn’t want any children.
The Verdict: She was convicted of murder, and given a life sentence.
The Crime: In 1994, Carol Wardell, the Manager of a Building Society was murdered and about £15,000 was stolen from the branch.
The Lies: Her husband, Gordon, appeared at a press conference and told reporters that he had returned home from the Pub on Sunday afternoon to discover his wife being held captive by a man who was wearing a clown mask and armed with a knife. Wardell alleged he had been punched, forced to the ground and rendered unconscious after a chloroform-soaked cloth was pressed over his face. He went on to tell journalists: “A man got hold of my wife and was threatening her with a knife.” He further claimed he had been tied up by the gang, who took his wife off to the Building Society, early the following morning.
The Verdict: Within a month police realised his story was a pack of lies and he was arrested.
The Result: Wardell was sentenced to life imprisonment, and the Judge told him that he had gone to elaborate lengths, including tying himself up and inflicting injuries, to make it appear as if the couple were the victim of Robbers.
The Crime: In 1991, the Boyfriend of Rachel McLean reported her missing to Police.
The Lies: John Tanner not only appeared in a press conference appealing for help but also took part in a televised reconstruction. He claimed Miss McLean had seen him off at the Railway station, and said a long-haired stranger had offered to give her a lift home. Tanner told reporters his Girlfriend had been “a lover of life” and even asked people to help “out of sheer consideration for her Mother and Father and myself”.
The Truth: A few days later, Police discovered Rachel’s remains under the floorboards of her flat, and Tanner was immediately arrested. His story crumbled, and he was charged with her murder.
The Verdict: At his trial, Tanner changed his story and said that he had ‘snapped’ and killed his Girlfriend after she admitted that she had been unfaithful. He was convicted of murder and jailed for life.
So, here are plenty of cases, where Body language ‘experts’
could have used their supposed ‘expertise’ to save the Police and lot of time, money and effort. They would have also saved the real victims a lot of grief and heartache by pointing out these terrible lies, as well as proving that their system works. Then, they would almost certainly go on to achieve personal fame and fortune.
However, in each of these cases, just like Crystal energy quacks and Snake oil salesmen, they chose to remain silent, instead of rising to the challenge.
Therefore, next time someone makes an appeal for help in solving a crime on TV, perhaps these ‘experts’ would care to demonstrate that there is even a grain of truth behind what seems to me like untested, lunatic ramblings.
Posted by Jonathan as Philosophy, Psychology at 3:21 AM BST
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Type the word “Seduction” into any Search engine, and you’ll be met with a plethora of results for videos, e-books and courses, all claiming to help you “Meet that one special girl“, “Win back a lost love” or “Attract any woman“.
Much of this advice is commonsense but obvious, and should therefore be free of charge (i.e. dress smartly, be clean and smell nice), some is practical but vastly overpriced (i.e. be more confident, and go out more often), whilst some is completely absurd, and evidently aimed at extracting as much money as possible from naïve people, before they realise they’ve been cheated by a Charlatan (i.e. Psychic influence, Cosmic ordering and pretty much anything that mentions ‘Energy’).
So, maybe you’re looking for that special Seduction ‘Secret sauce‘, and are hoping to attract women. Well, I’m afraid it’s bad news my friend, you can’t attract any woman, neither can I, and anyone else who claims to be able to is a liar!
Now, you may have seen Spamvertisements claiming that you can start a successful business overnight; but you didn’t reply to them because you knew they were Multi-level marketing or a front for an illegal scam. Similarly, there’s no secret way to become a champion Sportsperson overnight; and the same argument could be levelled at all other purported Miracle cures and Get rich quick schemes.
Just think about this for a second: If there really was some ‘secret sauce‘, Multi-Billion dollar companies and top athletes wouldn’t need to invest any time or effort building up a reputation, getting in shape and clawing their way to the top of their chosen niche. Everyone could just buy whatever Magic bullet was advertised, and instantly become richer than Bill Gates and more successful than Muhammad Ali, all without a stroke of effort. It’s a delicious thought, but clearly a fantasy.
Seduction, however, is just half as bad; since it’s only women who can attract men - simply by dressing in revealing clothing and looking pretty. But, this passive approach doesn’t work for men – who need to be more active, and to manipulate the woman of their desire into choosing them as a sexual partner, via various seductive methods.
All of this has its roots in Evolutionary theory and Sociobiology, which helps to answer the bizarre paradox of why large numbers of men should find it highly arousing to look at visual images of naked women – it doesn’t matter whether these are paintings, photographs, pixels or a real person; intellectually, most men are not morons, and know that arousing images are just that – images - however, the basic male inclination is to have an especially low threshold for sexual stimulation.
Various theories have been put forward to explain this paradox, including eyesight having evolved differently in the sex responsible for hunting in hunter-gatherer societies, through simpler explanations such as seeing people having sex likely means that you too will be having sex shortly.
In other mammals, female reproductive value is revealed primarily by the presence or absence of oestrus; that is to say, by advertising ovulation. But, human females do not advertise ovulation; and thus natural selection seems to have favoured a male’s ability to “assess” reproductive value largely through visual cues.
What we know with more certainty is that because a man can potentially impregnate a female at almost no cost to himself in terms of time and energy, natural selection has favoured the basic male tendency to become sexually aroused by the sight of naked females, with the strength of arousal being proportionate to perceived female reproductive value. Thus, for a male, any random mating may pay off reproductively, and even if he fails, he has lost proportionately very little.
Human females, on the other hand, invest a substantial amount of energy and incur immensely greater risks by becoming pregnant; hence the circumstances of impregnation are extremely important to female reproductive success. If a female makes a bad choice and is inseminated by an inferior male (i.e. one whose offspring fail to survive or reproduce), she may spend months pregnant, not to mention lactating once her offspring are born, only to find that her genes have not been passed to future generations, after having expended all that time and energy.
Thus, a nubile female almost never experiences difficulties in finding willing sexual partners, and in nature, nubile females are nearly always found to be with a partner. The basic female “strategy” is therefore to obtain the best possible ‘husband’, and be fertilized by the genetically fittest available male (always, of course, taking risk into account), and to maximize the return on sexual favours bestowed.
To be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random intercourse, therefore undermining all of these aims, and also wasting time and energy that might be spent nurturing children, or in economically significant activities. Thus, a female’s reproductive success would be seriously compromised by a tendency to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
A male’s desire to look at naked women, especially women he hasn’t seen before, and to seek out opportunities to do so, is part of the motivational process that maximizes male reproductive opportunities. There is no corresponding benefit for females in wanting to look at naked men; hence natural selection has not favoured female impulses to become sexually aroused by the sight of naked men or to seek out opportunities to look at them. If females tended to become sexually aroused by the sight of male genitals, men would be able to obtain sexual intercourse simply by displaying their genitals - however, the deliberate display of male genitalia to unfamiliar women is understood to be a sort of threat, whereas a similar female display is understood to be a sexual invitation.
So, why are there so many adverts claiming that men can attract any woman? The answer is simple: Low-intelligence men that no sane employer would ever hire, but who know that sex sells, reason:
I like women that have spent time in the Gym and who use make-up - therefore, women must also like men that have spent time in the Gym and who use make-up.
Thus, through their faulty logic (or possibly even though fraudulent intent in some cases), these men surmise that by selling obvious advice augmented with exaggerated claims about exercising, wearing cosmetics and spending a lot of money on clothes – their pupils will have women falling at their feet - even if these self-styled Seducers themselves have made zero effort to prove the efficacy of their expensive programmes, before promoting them to gullible and lonely adolescents on the Internet.
Posted by Jonathan as Philosophy, Sociobiology at 5:09 AM BST
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Seduction mistakes are easy to make when you really like someone and you find yourself trying to get them closer to you. Here are some all too common mistakes that some of us women make while trying to seduce a man. Do any of these sound a little too familiar? Forcing Intimacy in these ways will backfire: Try these tactics and you’re certain to lose the one you love.
Seduction Mistake #1: Expecting the relationship to solve your problems: Your life is in a lull, nothing brings you pleasure or excitement, and every new day seems as dull as the last. The only thing going for you is the guy you’re seeing or dating, and so you put all your energy, time and passion into pleasing him. After all, at least he’ll appreciate the attention, right? Wrong. He will feel smothered; he gets bored quickly and will eventually be trying to shake your neediness by losing you as quickly as he can.
What works: Try other ways to enrich your life with new knowledge and activities that you’ve never tried before. Your boredom will be the only thing lost and soon you will find passion in a great deal of things, and then he will be drawn to your passion of other things in life. He will be impressed by the new hobby or knowledge, and happiness is contagious, let him catch the fever!
Seduction mistake #2: Sleeping with him too soon. If you’ve been on a date or two with this new guy, and so far you don’t sense him feeling all the sparks you are, you can bet your bottom dollar that sex isn’t going to help – no matter how good you are in bed. Just because men love sex, doesn’t mean they fall in love with you because you can give it to him. In fact, the easier it comes, the less likely he is to want it again, so don’t be surprised if he doesn’t call after the first of second date if there’s sex involved. You shouldn’t be worried that he thinks you a prude, not for a second – On the contrary, if you sleep with him too soon, he will think this is common place for you, and won’t see you as a long-term partner. That’s really the nicest way I can put it.
What works: Find a way to put off sex until he is emotionally involved with you. Sex will then enhance his feelings towards you because he is already thinking of you as someone he would like to see romantically. Deny him in a way so that he won’t feel sexually rejected. End the date outside of either of your apartments. If you are being pursued in a sexual manner, saying something like, “I’m very attracted to you, but I don’t like to rush into things,” lets him know that you won’t deny him in the future, you find him sexy, but that you are a woman who has respect for herself and for her body. He will definitely appreciate that.
Seduction mistake #3: Projection. There he is, Mr. Right, except for facts One, Two and Three (like he’s married, lives a state away and has children). You’d be surprised how many women can ignore facts like this while they’re daydreaming about a long train on a fairy tale gown. Just because you imagine all the details so perfectly in your mind about his ringing your doorbell one day, whilst his car waits behind him, motor still running and packed to the brim with all his belongings, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Or maybe he’s the kind of guy who only sees you on some of the weekends because he’s got a part time job that you don’t really hear about. Just because you think he’s going to quit this job, and stop drinking during the week, doesn’t mean it will happen. In fact, he’s seeing three different women, he drinks because he’s an alcoholic, and he’s not going to change unless he’s actively making an effort already. These troubled men will not grow closer to you, they are a waste of your valuable time, and they never fall into the fantasy.
What works: Just keep a mental note of things that he may do that may be warning signs if it were a friends boyfriend. What advice would you give to her? Be a good friend to yourself and follow the advice. You’ll be thankful in the long run.
Seduction mistake #4: Chasing the man of your dreams. Remember this rule: If you chase him, he will run. That’s right. What works for the gander doesn’t always work for the goose. Isn’t it funny how men’s persistence eventually pays off? He calls and calls, and woos and woos, and while once you weren’t so interested, now he’s a staple in your life. Well don’t try this at home ladies. Calling him repeatedly, answering his messages the second you get in the door, buying him gifts, seeing him everyday, and asking him why he’s ignoring you, will only leave you empty handed. Ladies, I know you really like him and that you’re thinking about him all time; that if he likes you then why wouldn’t he want to hear the sound of your voice? But men just don’t work that way. It will take time. If you chase him, again he will feel smothered and will equate you with some midnight movie called, the “Temp” or the “Babysitter” or something. And keep in mind, that this mistake cannot be undone. Once he starts feeling overly pursued or smothered, he will only think about getting away from you, and you won’t be able to get him back. So write that down somewhere if you have to, and when you’re dying to call him, and leave that second message on his answering machine, perhaps you’ll get over the urge.
What works: Getting him to chase you: That’s right. Men love the chase. They want to think that all their efforts are going to finally pay off some day, the same way it does in work and sports and everything else they love. So try forgetting to return his last 2 messages, not being home on the weekends, turning him down for a date because you have to take care of something. He will just try harder, and the harder he tries, the more he will know that you’re worth it, or else why would he try so hard. You’ll have plenty of time to dote on him when he is deeply in love with you and when he appreciates every bit of your attention.
Seduction Mistake #5: Losing yourself. When people first start dating, they focus on the similarities, and naturally this brings them closer. Their increased closeness becomes grounds for increased time spent together, and the couple will mesh even more by attending the same functions, increasing exposure and overall time spent together. Ahhh, you can even finish each other sentences. But, what about the friends you used to be so close with? What about the activities you used to do with friends or even by yourself? Ever cancelled plans you made with a friend to spend time with him? If you find yourself doing it more frequently, you will start alienating the friends you used to have and hold dear, and then depend on him more and more. So, where do you end and he begins? If it’s getting harder and harder to tell, then you may soon have a problem on your hands – giving up your identity to be closer to him, will backfire in the long run.
When you’re willing to drop everything to be with him, he will come to expect enough that he knows he doesn’t need to accommodate you, because you are all too willing. The less effort he puts into the relationship the less important it becomes to him. And the less unique you are, the less interesting you become to him – that’s just human nature.
What works: Holding on to your identity is easy when you make a conscious effort. Don’t change your personality to get along with him. He likes you for who you are, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, move on quickly so you can spend more time with the person that does. Continue spending time with your friends and family, he will see you as a family oriented woman who is committed to things in life she cares about. Pursue your own activities and interests and don’t tell him every single detail. This time is for you. And remember, you two are a couple; that’s two people, not one. He doesn’t have to go to every single place or event that you go to. He’ll think about you when you’re gone, so let him ask you about it before you tell him.
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 11:57 PM BST
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Seduction can be a lot of fun, but why does it take so much time? Experienced Seductionists know that men can take a long time in declaring their interest in a woman; but once they have, the female then needs to determine their suitability, in order to screen out the men that she finds incompatible as mates.
Looking at this another way, sometimes things go wrong in a seduction – then, in human terms, we might say “The ‘Chemistry’ just wasn’t there!“. Alternatively, you might ask why not just have sex with everyone instead of waiting at all? And, if you wait, what does that say about the quality of the relationship?
To shed light on this matter Scientists have developed a mathematical model of the mating game to help explain why courtship is often so protracted. The study, carried out by researchers at University College London (UCL), University of Warwick and London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE), uses Game theory to show that extended courtship periods enable a male to signal his suitability to a female, and allows the female to weed out the male if he is found to be unsuitable as a potential mate.
From the perspective of Game theory, almost every decision we make is the result of a series of negotiations in which we try to reduce uncertainty by trading off what other people want in return for what we want ourselves. Therefore, just like Poker and Chess, real life can be thought of as a game of strategy, combined with contracts and deals to protect us from the Cheats and Liars.
But, unlike Poker and Chess, we can almost never expect to be a “winner” in these games. Choosing the option that we judge will bring us the best payoff tends to be the riskiest decision, since it will usually provoke the strongest defence from other players who stand to lose if we get what we want. Thus, we usually have to settle for compromise agreements, which may require us to make the best of a bad bargain. Some good examples would be drawing up an employment contract, buying a house, negotiating a loan with your Bank or even a classic logic puzzle such as the Sultan’s Dowry Problem, which may be of interest to mathematically minded Seductionists.
The findings of this latest research, published in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, analyse how males and females behave strategically towards each other in the mating game. Thus, the model is based on the idea that women have much to lose from any new relationship because they may end up with a baby fathered by an abusive or poor genetic quality father. Whilst a man may end up investing time and money in a “Gold digging” partner that has no intention of ever having sex with him.
The mathematics considers a male and a female in a simplified courtship encounter of unspecified duration, in a society without contraception, with the game ending when either partner quits, or the female accepts the male as a mate. The first courtship model presented assumes that from the female perspective, a male is either “Good” (i.e. Healthy and willing to stick around and help raise any children he fathers) or “Bad” (i.e. Unhealthy or unwilling to help raise any children) – Whilst from the male perspective a man (of either type) makes a subjective assessment of whether the female is attractive or unattractive and then proceeds with the courtship encounter or not, as the case may be.
Thus, a male gets a positive payoff from mating with any female he chooses to pursue, even though his payoff is higher if he is “good” than if he is “bad”. Whereas, in contrast, the female only gets a positive payoff from mating with a “good” male but a negative payoff from mating with one that is “bad”. Therefore, it is in her interest to gain more information about the male’s type with the aim of avoiding mating with a “bad” male, since she would like to mate with a “good” male, but cannot tell a male’s type from his appearance alone.
So, the study looks for behaviours that are evolutionarily stable and in equilibrium. That is to say, females are doing as well as they can against male behaviour and males are doing as well as they can against female behaviour in a so called “Battle of the sexes” with both sides compromising on the point in the developing relationship where they agree to have sex.
The model shows that extended courtships can take place, with a “good” male being willing to court for longer than a “bad” male and the female delaying mating. In this way the duration of a male’s courtship effort carries information about his type, and by delaying mating, the female is able to make some use of this information to achieve a degree of screening. Therefore, since “bad” males have a greater tendency to quit the courtship game early, as time goes on and the male has not quit it becomes increasingly probable that he is a “good” male.
Lead Author, Professor Robert Seymour, of UCL Mathematics, said:
Courtship in a number of animal species occurs over an extended period of time. Human courtship, for example, can involve a sequence of dinners, theatre trips and other outings lasting months or even years. One partner – often the male – may pay the greater part of the financial cost, but to both sexes there is a significant cost of time which could be spent on other productive activities. Why don’t people and other animals speed things up to reduce these costs? The answer seems to be that longer courtship is a way for the female to acquire information about the male.
By delaying mating, the female is able to reduce the chance that she will mate with a “bad” male. A male’s willingness to court for a long time is a signal that he is likely to be a “good” male. Long courtship is a price paid for increasing the chance that mating, if it occurs, will be a harmonious match which benefits both sexes. This may help to explain the commonly held belief that a woman is best advised not to sleep with a man on a first date.
Dr Peter Sozou, of Warwick Medical School and LSE Centre for Philosophy of Natural and Social Science said:
The strategic problem the female faces is how to screen out “bad” males, and this is where long courtship comes into play. A male is assumed to always want to mate with a female, but a “good” male is more willing to pay the cost of a long courtship in order to claim the prize of mating. This leads to an outcome in which the female is not willing to mate immediately, but instead requires the male to wait for an indeterminate time before she agrees to mate with him. During this time, the male may give up on courting the female.
“Bad” males give up at some random time if the female has not by then mated with them, but “good” males are more persistent and do not give up. The female’s strategy is a compromise – a trade-off between on the one hand the greater risk of mating with a “bad” male if she mates too quickly, and on the other hand the time cost of delay. Under this compromise there remains some risk that she will mate with the wrong type of male.
She cannot eliminate this risk completely unless she decides never to mate.
Of course, this model will not work so well in a society where contraception removes much of the risk of becoming pregnant, and it should also be noted that the model ignores factors such as social and peer group pressures.
However, Professor Seymour believes that it helps explain how the extended courtship of humans may have evolved in Prehistoric societies.
The original paper can be seen here.
Posted by Jonathan as Biology, Philosophy at 3:10 AM BST
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You’ve been dating him for a while, and you’re almost settling in as a true couple. Don’t settle in just yet… Here are a few things to keep you two more than just another couple. He’ll love you for it – for a long time to come.
Hold on to your own personal life: Hopefully you had your own life before you met him, so you’d better keep it when you have him. When couples spend large amounts of time together, they create a life together that consists of things you do together, share and will do in the future, but it’s important for your own personal growth that you maintain your own interests and activities. Your interests are what make you unique, and keep you from becoming a stagnant entity, which is what attracted him to you in the first place. He will love the fact that you are an independent person who will keep on challenging herself, and always have engaging interests. Make time for your friends as you did before you met him, make time for yourself, and don’t drag him to things he’s really not interesting in, like shoe shopping.
Keep flirting: Flirting isn’t just for the newly introduced and recently started dating. Flirting with your long term boyfriend reminds him that you’re still madly attracted to him, and that you will be in the future. It’s important to his ego and masculinity when he knows you find him sexy. It makes for a better sex life, which is another important aspect of long lasting couples. Remind him of the woman he fell head over heels for by giving him coy compliments when he calls you from his job. Overdress when he least expects (hint: wear something flirty in his favourite colour.) Drop sassy compliments any time, “hey sexy” is a nice start, or complimenting him on his style or appearance while wearing a sultry grin works just fine!
Mind those manners: When you first meet him you’re on your best behaviour and slowly without your even noticing, your manners tend to disintegrated until somewhere down the line, when you’re with him, you act as if you aren’t in front of company at all. Slipping into a too relaxed state is common, but remember that his continued company is worth minding yourself. Keep yourself aware as the relationship grows. Things like belching out loud, ignoring him when he comes home or when you are eating together, running out of patience quickly. Remember, he’s not your family until he puts the ring on your finger, don’t treat him like he’s always going to be around just because he always is.
On that same note, what are you doing with those rollers in your hair or the equivalent? Not going to the gym as much, forgetting the Listerine you used to use religiously? Fingernails just plain ragged? Well the girl who flirts with him at his work didn’t forget these details. Basically, it’s just not a good idea to let your appearance decline just because you’ve already got him. Taking good care of your health and looks will keep your appearance and esteem at a healthy level that you’ll both enjoy.
Boost his ego: He’s got a big one, and he’d like to keep it that way. When he first meets a woman, and he gets those silly feelings in his stomach that he can’t quite explain, and then he gets her attention and eventually her company it puts his ego on a high he wants to keep forever – let him have his way. This is one the most important things you can do to inspire him and keep him happy. His ego is tied to his dreams and his goals, so just dropping the odd compliment is not always good enough – anyone can do that. The best way to boost his ego is to show him that you believe in him and then let him talk openly about his goals in life and let him know that you believe that he can and will accomplish them.
Keep criticism at a constructive level, and temper it with a fair tone. He does expect, as well as respect, a fair amount of criticism, but be careful of your timing and tone. Critiquing him too much wears away at his temper and self-esteem, but a healthy dose of criticism reminds him that you care, that there’s room for improvement, and that he won’t be getting away with anything. But, the next time he leaves the toilet seat up, or the toothpaste cap off, maybe you could let it slide. Save your criticism for something a little more meaningful. He forgot an important date? Let him know how it made you feel. He really messed up, you warned him, and now he’s faced with the consequences, then you’ll want to wait until the pinnacle of his anger or hurt is over, to gently suggest that he can avoid the problem next time by <doing whatever>.
These five relationship anchors will keep him close to you, and make him appreciate you more everyday that he’s with you. He’s worth the time and the effort, and by following these principles you can keep him in love with you for years to come.
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 11:59 PM BST
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Jealousy is a powerful emotion that few of us are resistant to. Men especially fall prey to this emotion, and it seldom benefits them. Some of us realize that our boyfriend’s jealous minds can sometimes lead to benefits we didn’t expect. Trying to recreate these benefits with the same man or even a different one may seem like a good idea. Who wouldn’t want the extra attention, or to invite our man to recognize how much he appreciates us?
But here’s the rub… The simple desire to bring him closer by playing on his insecurities can easily backfire. His fragile ego makes him more sensitive than he appears. Making him too jealous is the last thing you want – inevitably it leaves us worse off, leaving us further away from him, and may start a cycle of distrust.
So the question is, can jealousy be used in a positive way? Yes it can! It can help him realize how much he appreciates both you and his relationship with you. What you want to do is just start him thinking about you not being around as much, and even start him thinking that, without his appreciation, you may start looking for someone who will show you the appreciation you deserve.
Here’s how: The trick is subtlety! And of course this means that you start his mind moving based on thoughts, not actions!
For example: You and he always go out on Friday nights – you bicker over what to do, or end up seeing whatever the local cinema is playing. What does this mean to him?
She’ll be there, waiting for me to pick her up, I hope there’s a good action movie playing, or maybe she won’t want to go, and then I can hang out with the guys.
So this time when he calls on Friday you simply don’t pick up the phone, or when he calls you explain that you’d rather not go tonight there’s a book that you just can’t put down – and when he calls later that night (he will) you definitely don’t pick up the phone.
Of course when he catches up with you in a day or two and wonders where you’ve been over the weekend you were “just taking care of errands, hanging out with your girlfriends etc.” Meanwhile he was thinking all sorts of things we can’t even imagine.
Don’t bother to try and fuel his imagination by being coy or misleading. His imagination is already hard at work. Put his fears to rest or this is where the distrust starts. And of course never insinuate that it was all to give him a moment to be jealous. Let him suffer a little and act like you never even noticed, otherwise he will feel you are trying to play games with him and that you got the best of him.
Some other examples include:
- Stop checking your messages in front of him
- Not mentioning every single place you went that day or that week – Wait until he asks
- Getting someone to make eye contact with you, and respond to you, without letting your man seeing you initiate this contact… He’ll just see someone staring at you
- Have a friend mention that someone (male of course) was asking about you
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy, Psychology at 11:41 PM BST
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One of the most important things you can do in any relationship is adjusting your listening style. It will change the way your man relates to you almost instantly. Have an actively listening style, and get him to talk to you about things he rarely gets to talk about at length. What you really want is for him to feel perfectly safe telling you almost anything.
Here’s why: The more you listen to him, the more he will open up. When you let him open up to you, you accomplish several results. By allowing uncritical listening, you allow him to feel extremely comfortable around you; and helping your prospective mate feel comfortable is one the most important things you can do, since you will have him to want to be around you often.
Plus there is another effect: It’s called transference, and is a powerful phenomenon. You might associate Sigmund Freud with this term or have memories from a Psychology class. Sigmund Freud coined the term and studied its effects at length after so many patients confessed their love to him during therapy. Freud ended up putting a screen between himself and his patients, but it didn’t help. Several types of professionals experience this all too common phenomenon today.
This happens for a few reasons: Unburdening themselves was pleasurable for patients in therapy because it alleviated stress, but more importantly it was the “transference of affection”. As your partner is exposing his personal history, thoughts, actions and desires, the affection he holds for these is being transferred to you, the listener. So, in the same way that Therapists, Counsellors, Clergymen and other professional who spend a lot of time listening uncritically find themselves the object of much affection, you too can use this principle to make a substantial and positive effect on his feelings towards you.
The term transference actually refers to transference of feelings. And by talking about life’s activities that produce heartfelt emotion, the feeling is transferred from some past event to the present. You are both the catalyst and the present entity, while this transference of emotion takes place, and the feelings become associated to you. Similarly, when men talk about a very pleasant subject (namely themselves) the affection for that subject then transfers to the catalyst once again, thus translating into more love for you. Just by listening to him, you can open up his affection for you, and keep it. Make no mistake about it, he needs someone who he can talk to, and you want to be the one.
Here’s how to make it work for you: Begin your uncritical listening by asking open-ended questions. These are questions that are not easily answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Start with questions that are related to current situations in his life that you sense he is interested in. If you barely know him, this will be the easiest way to get him talking. Once he gets used to talking, start with asking him open-ended questions about his childhood, his parents, how he feels about his job and the people he’s close to. Try to mention the questions casually so that he doesn’t feel investigated, as he is not used to people being so interested and listening so intently. The fact that he is not used to this, is a benefit because it creates a uniquely satisfying interaction that he wants and needs, but it may take time before he is able to really talk openly about his feelings.
For instance, you walk by a house and say, “wow that house is so similar to mine, it reminds me of being five years old.” What was your house like when you were five? When he answers, don’t rush to comment. Make it clear that you are listening but don’t try to liken the situation to yours, your main purpose now is to get him to keep talking. Even if he answers with short answers at first, just keep listening, and he will start talking more. These are the type of questions that are good to get him to talk:
- Who are his favourite relatives?
- Why or when did he first think of becoming <whatever his occupation is>?
- What are some of the things he is proudest of in his life?
- Why are these accomplishments?
- What was he like as a little boy?
- How did he get along with his siblings?
Well, you get the idea. Everyone likes to talk about his or herself. That’s just human nature. By being the one he knows he can talk to, you make yourself an important part of his life.
Start today and see what happens. You will love the results.
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy, Psychology at 11:50 PM BST
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Some men have a reputation that you would rather not know about – he’s known to some as a player. But there’s a lot more to him than that, or so you hope. Can you ever get this guy to settle down? After all, studies show that men in relationships are happier and better adjusted, so really you’d both be better off, right? Well, he may not see things that way, so what can you do? Here’s a few ways to catch and tame the playboy that will help you both find happiness.
Have you ever known anyone in this type of situation? When Steven met Laura he decided she was definitely someone he could finally be with exclusively. And while it wasn’t the first time he had felt this way, for some reason or another, things just never worked out the way he imagined they would. He saw Laura repeatedly for about a month or two and the relationship started waning, before long he was back to his usual self and other women were in his sights. Laura knew of his reputation, but he seemed very serious about her and he even told her so. But neither of them saw their relationship blossom into what they each had hoped. Hypersensitive to her man’s past of playing the field, Laura tried to keep her man in constant check, letting him know at all times she would not accept any sort of philandering. His reaction was immediate instant confirmation that it’s better to love ‘em and move on. This is an unfortunate example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The first step in keeping a non-commitment type is to date him with the confidence that he’s all yours, even if you’re afraid he might not be. He will feel a kind of freedom he’s never felt before and feel comfortable with the knowledge that she’s not trying to turn him into something other than what he is. And during the time he spends free from anticipation of whatever it is he’s so scared of, he is emotionally available to enjoy the benefits of a long term, monogamous relationship.
But there’s more to it than that. There’s something else that he’s worried about or protecting himself from. It may take a little time to identify why it is that he feels he is better off a playboy, when the truth is that he probably is not. There are a few reasons why many men follow this kind of lifestyle, and putting his fears to rest will help him commit. Here are some examples:
- He was burned in the past. This is more common than you think; which is why this may even sound trite. But when men put a large part of their heart out on a limb, and then ended up crushed, he may not want to put himself in that position again. There are a few ways to try to get him to see that you are not the one that is going to hurt him – Tell him – If he ever mentions the ex-girlfriend incident, let him talk it out. Ask him questions, and don’t criticize him. Don’t criticize her either, but let him know where you agree with him.
- Another common reason men tend to play the field is the fear of the relationship quickly falling into a rut. They love the beginnings of a relationship just as we all do. The chase, the catch, the nervousness and the giggles; but when the relationship starts to plateau, he is looking for that thrill again. And the way he gets it? Hanging out with other prospects. The solution to this dilemma is straightforward. Keep the relationship fresh and you will both be beyond satisfied. Start by keeping some space and time between you. Hanging out with each other every moment of the day and night might make sense at the pinnacle of your affection for each other, but too much of a good thing can easily turn the tables. A little time apart will definitely help the heart grow fonder. Keep things exciting by taking the time to plan dates that aren’t the norm, something new to you one day, and then something new to him the next. Try something with a little adventure to it to keep his heart at a higher rate when he’s with you, a trip to the closest adventure theme park or a moving play is always a winner.
- He could be a proponent of the bettering principle: A person who likes what they have, but is always trying to get something better. For a man who believes that there’s always something better, life is really a constant struggle. They change jobs quickly, they are quick to change their minds for fear of losing out on the right thing, and frequently end up losing a good thing. Ugh. If that’s the guy, um… trust me, he’s going through more suffering than you ever will over him. If he doesn’t think you’re the best, then move on, and move on quickly so you don’t have to be bothered wasting your time.
Finding out why he is not able to settle into a quality relationship may be harder than attributing the problem to a commonality. It may be just part of who he is, or a part of his past that he is not willing to talk about. Either way, the only thing you can do is try to understand more about him before you act. Listen to how he talks about people around him, and in his life. How does he handle any kind of permanency, like jobs, or homes? Just by understanding the problem, a solution can present itself in an obvious way. And the solution itself may just be your understanding. He may feel that he hasn’t met someone who has taken the time to understand who he is as an individual, and that she is just with her next boyfriend. Let him know you are taking time to understand who is he and he will not be looking any further.
With a man who fears commitment, the worst thing you can do is try to force intimacy onto him. Asking him if he loves you, constantly inquiring about who he’s hanging out with and making him feel guilty if he didn’t call you etc. will instantly set his sensitive alarms off. Enjoy living for yourself first and he won’t be worried that you’re a woman who depends on him for her social and emotional existence.
It’s wise to take time before becoming intimate with someone who has a reputation for playing the field, after all, there’s a reason for that reputation. Not only has he probably been intimate with a number of women, but he may not place the same value on intimacy as you do. Having sex too early on may bring you emotionally closer to him, but he may see the relationship as more sexual and less romantic.
Keep in mind that not every player can be tamed and know that just because you want him, doesn’t mean it will work. With a veteran player, he really may not be able or willing to change. And if that’s the case, it’s probably in your best interest to move on – and quickly before you become too emotionally involved with someone who is unable to reciprocate.
Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 11:55 PM BST
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