As we’ve often noted, seduction and speculation frequently go hand-in-hand; and after recalling our sucess at predicting the 2008 Grand National, last year. Here is our attempt to predict the winners of the UK’s biggest and most well known horse race – which takes place this Saturday (4.15pm @ Aintree Racecourse).
Just for fun, these are the horses backed by Seduction Labs for the 2009 Grand National.
To win Kilbeggan Blade – Currently showing 22/1
Each way L’Ami – Currently showing 25/1 Cornish Sett – Currently showing 33/1 Brooklyn Brownie – Currently showing 33/1
You’re probably aware of many different methods of fortunetelling often using a diverse range of equipment including Tarot cards, runes, tea leaves, crystals etc.
Now, it seems that throughout history, people have always wanted to look into the future and unravel the mysteries of the human character, so they turned to Palm reading, Phrenology, Physiognomy and other forms of personality reading.
One method that has recently come to light, from an article in the Russian newspaper Pravda, is Sternomancy.
According to the translation, Sternomancy is a divination practice that involves reading markings on the area of the human body from the breasts to the stomach, and was popular in Spain, during the 18th century.
If the article is accurate, Russian Sexologists say that the breasts of women identify her character better than her Zodiac sign does. Therefore, this method of fortunetelling can be used to unveil the character of a woman simply by reading the shape of her breasts.
Since this is quite clearly a topic that requires further urgent research, here’s a translation of the key points of Sternomancy.
Size
Women with small breasts are mostly concerned about the faithfulness of their partners.
Women with large breasts are optimistic, cheerful and sensual. They can be very inventive in bed and expect the same from their partners.
Nipples
A well-shaped protruding nipple confirms the powerful and dominating character of a woman – a woman with such nipples prefers to be on top of her men in bed.
A small or inverted nipple tells of a private and reserved character – Most women with such nipples do not see sex as anything special, but they are ready to satisfy the fantasies of their men.
Shape
A fox’s nose (a springboard-shaped breast): Those who have fox’s noses are usually smart and reserved women. These women do not usually reach anything professionally, because they are too lazy to show any initiative. A ‘fox’ can become a very good wife for practically any man, and such women usually build successful families.
Cherry: Women with very small breasts that look like cherries are distinctive for their sociable character – They are reasonable and easy-going. Such women can be very good and reliable partners in everyday life, although they do not give special emphasis to physical intimacy.
Apples: Hard-working housewives usually have round-shaped breasts. Many apple-bosomed women are frigid, and it can be extremely hard to give them an orgasm. However, they can be ready for everything to please their man. ‘Apples’ do not like changing their sex partners.
Pears: Women with pear-shaped breasts are lovable and will indulge in liaisons as often as they can. Even if a ‘pear’ is religious, she is not likely to decline romance. However, it is impossible to tame such a woman. She is independent, wilful but unintelligent, which makes her attractive to men. A marriage with a ‘pear’ guarantees ecstatic sex and many scandals.
Lemons: If a man desires more diversity in bed, he needs to date a woman whose breasts look like lemons. These women are full of life and are capable of criticizing themselves, although they prefer to lead a quieter lifestyle.
Melons: Women with melon-shaped breasts like being admired. They value delicious food and constantly develop their cooking skills.
Water-melons: Women with such breasts also like to eat; they like being pampered. They like to flirt, but are not especially interested in sex.
Surgery
Augmentation to the shape of a women’s bosom may lead to significant Psychological changes. A woman with silicone breasts can be a very good partner on holidays for a week or so, but one should not devote a lifetime to those sorts of women. Many surgically enhanced women have Psychological issues – they are not certain of themselves and have many complexes. Sex with a woman with a pair of silicone breasts is superficial.
Here is what is purportedly a treatise from 1894, against the evils of marital sex. Be glad that you live in the 21st century.
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE: on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God.
by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City.
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.
We’ve all heard about how photos of gorgeous models are often retouched to make them look even more beautiful, correcting any stray hairs or skin blemishes, before they appear in magazines etc.
In this amusing video, a somewhat overenthusiastic artist demonstrates their retouching skills with a picture of a plain looking fat girl, turning her into a more attractive skinny girl, using just the Power of Adobe Photoshop.
I was interested to discover recently that Playboy magazine has been keeping brief records concerning the girls that appeared as centrefolds in the publication every month, since about 1959.
Unfortunately, these records are all fairly brief, don’t seem to stick with a consistent format and often have pieces of information missing. However, I can’t think of any other similar source of information that goes beyond simple anthropometric data.
Thus, examining the Playboy information, it seems that some of the most frequently asked questions are concerned with the girl’s turn-ons, turnoffs and ambitions.
Therefore, anyone interested in seducing model types might find these short compiled lists a useful starting point to meeting the girl of their desires.
Top ten turn-ons.
Music
Animals
Food
Clothes
The beach
Dancing
Speed
Rain or Thunderstorms
Flowers
Sense of humour
Bonus: other turn-ons that were mentioned at least twice: baby oil, blue eyes, bubble baths, candlelit dinners, chocolate, considerate people, conversation, cuddling, cute butts, diamonds, good friends, hairy chests, Harleys, honesty, horseback riding, hot tubs, intelligence, jazz, kissing, lingerie, love, manners, massages, men, money, mountains, nature, nudity, poetry, shopping, sincerity, sleeping late, stargazing, strawberries, summer, sunsets, the ocean, travel, walks on the beach, wine, working out.
Top ten turnoffs.
Egotistical / Arrogant people
Liars
Jealousy
Rude or pushy people
Getting up early
Smokers
Pollution
Traffic
Hairy backs
Judgemental people
Bonus: Other turnoffs that were mentioned at least twice: bad breath, Beatniks, “being asked what my turn offs are”, being rushed, bigotry, bills, cats, closed-minded people, cold weather, crowds, cruelty, dirty bathrooms, dirty fingernails, drugs, drunks, housework, hypocrites, ignorance, insecurity, insensitive people, laziness, liver, loud people, miserliness, “men who offer to ‘make me a star’”, “men who think they can buy love”, “men with long hair”, pessimists, poor dressers, procrastination, rock and roll, sloppiness, slow drivers, spiders, tardiness, violence, vulgarity, waiting, war, white socks, winter clothes.
Top ten ambitions.
Acting
Modelling
Happiness
Starting a family
Travel
Career success
Marriage / Relationship
Further education
Health
Wealth
Bonus: Other ambitions that were mentioned at least twice: becoming a flight attendant, becoming a hair stylist, becoming an Artist, dancing, fashion design, “learning something new every day”, “living life to the fullest”, owning a home, owning an expensive car, singing, teaching, winning an Oscar, working with children, writing.
Aries women:
Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous – you’ll have sex anywhere, you know what you want – intense and frequent sex – you have a need for complete control, but you’re also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill – the tickle of a man’s facial fuzz.
Aries men:
Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs – you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready – he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don’t tease him or you’d better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.
Taurus women:
You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don’t look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting!
Taurus men:
He is the ideal lover – sensitive and understanding of his partner’s feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won’t be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! Best sex mates: Capricorn, Virgo, Cancer. His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.
Gemini women:
Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator.
Gemini men:
He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn’t his favourite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.
Cancer women:
Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvellous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervour that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!
Cancer men:
His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bad; likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You’ll like the trip as it is as much travelling to a place as it is arriving.
Leo women:
Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!
Leo men:
Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.
Virgo women:
You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation, enjoy a little punishment and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can’t truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.
Virgo men:
Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don’t expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.
Libra women:
Drama is the key word – you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist; you feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.
Libra men:
Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the Ménage à trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman’s clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!
Scorpio women:
Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and vibrators.
Scorpio men:
A lustful, sexy animal – Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.
Sagittarius women:
You like the outdoors – freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don’t like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. You like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don’t mind if your man comes too quickly – you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories – gloves and shoes!
Sagittarius men:
Sex is rarely an intense experience with him – he often comes too quickly, but he’ll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage – both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman’s calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.
Capricorn women:
Don’t need much foreplay – you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, love making becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.
Capricorn men:
Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.
Aquarius women:
A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won’t try, and you believe that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water.
Aquarius men:
Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be too revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice – once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though – a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn’t like to be denied!
Pisces women:
Always make the right moves, say the right things, and creates the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Loves soft candle light, warm fireplaces, mystery, applies Romanticism in all she does – a true romantic at heart. Favourite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.
Pisces men:
Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn’t get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet.
In the biggest poll of its kind, 30,000 British women from dating website smooch.com were asked how often and why they faked orgasms when making love.
The results of the survey revealed that one-in-three women fakes at least some of the time, although it seems that age and maturity appear to have little bearing on the results, with 60-year-olds faking as often as 18-year-olds.
However, attractive women and Essex girls are the most likely culprits to fake an orgasm if their partner doesn’t cut the mustard in bed.
According the research, women under 5’3″ tall were twice as likely to fake it as their taller counterparts, whilst 53% of Essex girls admitted to faking orgasm and more attractive women were also found to be more likely to mimic Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.
Asked why they faked orgasms the top answers were:
So my partner doesn’t feel inadequate.
To get it over and done with!
Because I didn’t really fancy the other person.
To keep the peace and avoid an argument.
To make my partner feel good.
The moral of this story seems to be to avoid attractive midgets from Essex, if you want more certainty that the woman you’re making love with won’t fake an orgasm.
A couple of years back, when the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) launching an investigation into accounting irregularities at SSL International (the parent company of Durex condoms), I thought that might just be the Accountants massaging the figures.
The Scientists that work at Durex would surely be more interested in seeking truths and advancing knowledge than making money. After all, Durex is generally considered one of the world’s leading prophylactic brands, and the company is responsible for helping its customers prevent unwanted pregnancies and avoid a multitude of nasty and potentially fatal sexually transmitted infections.
So, we were quite surprised to receive a missive from PR company McCann Erickson, tipping us off to a new product from Durex – a female masturbation gel – which allegedly encourages blood flow to a woman’s clitoris, and supposedly makes it more sensitive.
I suspect that the product is simply a small amount of Capsaicin in a solution of liquid Paraffin, but McCann Erickson didn’t go into too much detail, and were more keen to link to the ‘Durex Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey’, also pointing out that using their clients product, 79% of British women achieved orgasm.
Impressive stuff you might say. But, looking at the above survey, Quality Control has obviously slipped up at the condom company, because Poland is quite clearly listed twice. A schoolboy error; and not something that one should expect to find in a piece of purportedly serious research.
This leads to a second query – 79% of British women achieved an orgasm using the product, but unfortunately, Durex and McCann Erickson omitted to give any measure of reliability (such as probable error or standard error), which devalues the statistic somewhat. However, what would be very much more useful would be a comparison telling us how many British women achieved an orgasm without using the product.
This got me wondering; whilst men are pretty much guaranteed an orgasm from masturbation, I know that orgasm can be more difficult for women, but exactly how likely are women to achieve orgasm? If the answer was in the region of 79%, then Durex/McCann Erickson’s claims would be rather less impressive.
It seems the figure is actually quite elusive, and the best I could find through Google was Clitical.com, where a list of orgasm ‘facts’ claimed that “One study found that only 7.7 percent of women whose lovers spent 21 minutes or longer on foreplay failed to reach orgasm” thus implying that 92.3% succeeded to reach orgasm, although Clitical failed to mention which study they refer to. The same webpage also asserts that (for females) 95% of masturbation sessions result in orgasm, but again, the author doesn’t mention any study this time, so that figure might just be just his girlfriend’s experience, for all we know.
Whilst there might not be a lot of data available for orgasm through female masturbation, scientific researchers have certainly been pretty busy over the years collecting information about female orgasms through intercourse. And, it seems that from a sample of 800 married couples, Terman (1938) reported that 8.3% never achieved orgasm through intercourse, whilst Chesser (1956), using a sample of 2,000 married English women, reported that 5% never achieved orgasm through intercourse. Fisher (1973) studied 300 married American women, of whom 5% reported never achieved orgasm through sex; then using a sample of about 700 white American women, Hunt (1974) reported that 7% rarely or never achieve orgasm. Finally, and most impressively, Tarvis and Sadd (1977) reported that from a sample of 100,000 American women, who responded to a Redbook magazine questionnaire, 7% reported never achieving orgasm through coitus.
McCann Erickson’s original message asked what we thought; and despite contacting them, pointing out the errors and requesting clarification some while back, neither McCann Erickson nor Durex were prepared to respond again.
Manuel Uribe, a Mexican who weighs over 300Kg and hasn’t left his bed in six years, married his long-time girlfriend Claudia Solis in northern Mexico, on Sunday.
Mr Uribe (43), wed Hairdresser, Claudia Solis (38), fulfilling a birthday wish for the Mexican who has already managed to lose an enormous 230kg over the past 12 months, after gaining the Guinness World Record of “World’s heaviest man” back in 2007. Since then, he has refused gastric-band surgery and instead has been following the Zone diet (a strict formula of carbohydrates, proteins and fats), with the help of his girlfriend and Mexican nutritionists.
Despite his impressive weight loss, Mr Uribe remains confined to his bed, and so a flatbed truck was brought in to transport his specially-reinforced bed decorated with a canopy, flowers and gold-trimmed bows to the wedding at a local event hall.
Mr Uribe wore a white silk shirt with a sheet wrapped around his legs and Miss Solis wore a strapless ivory satin dress, a tiara and hot-pink lipstick. Both of them smiled and waved for a swarm of international photographers.
As the couple were declared husband and wife, at the civil ceremony attended by more than 400 guests, Mr Uribe broke into tears. Then, instead of the traditional first dance as newlyweds, the couple held hands and swayed to a romantic ballad.
A popular local band played accordion-heavy Norteño music at the reception, which featured a “low-calorie” banquet of meat, creamed mushrooms and buttered vegetables.
Mr Uribe’s mother, Orquedia Garza, told the Associated Press news agency that the groom did not eat any of the five-tiered wedding cake.
He didn’t break his diet, his doctors are here and they are watching him very closely.
After announcing his engagement, Mr Uribe had said it was his birthday wish to marry Miss Solis:
We are in love, and this year my birthday wish is to be able to stand when we get married.
We are a couple. We have sex, and in the eyes of God we are already married.
The wedding was filmed by the Discovery Channel for an upcoming documentary about the former car parts dealer.
Mr Uribe told reporters:
I’m very happy this is a really special day for me. God has permitted this day to arrive and for a beautiful woman like Claudia to marry me. We will start a new adventure together.
And Ms Solis has said of her new husband:
I bathe him every day, and we get along very well.
So guys, if ever you think you’re not good looking enough, or you feel jealous of guys with model looks or perfect physiques, then always remember that if the ‘World’s fattest man’ can find love, so can you.
Fortunately, for men, looks have little to do with seduction, and it doesn’t matter if you’re not an Adonis. You show your personality; because it’s not what you look like. It’s what you do – Always.
No idea if these ‘laws’ have ever been repealed, or if we’re just continuing an urban legend here. Either way, they made me smile, and would certainly break the ice at parties.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.
A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper – The man does not receive any punishment.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position – Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
Subscribe
As we’ve often noted, seduction and speculation frequently go hand-in-hand; and after recalling our sucess at predicting the 2008 Grand National, last year. Here is our attempt to predict the winners of the UK’s biggest and most well known horse race – which takes place this Saturday (4.15pm @ Aintree Racecourse).
You’re probably aware of many different methods of fortunetelling often using a diverse range of equipment including Tarot cards, runes, tea leaves, crystals etc.
Here is what is purportedly a treatise from 1894, against the evils of marital sex. Be glad that you live in the 21st century.
A couple of years back, when the Serious Fraud Office (SFO) launching an investigation into accounting irregularities at SSL International (the parent company of Durex condoms), I thought that might just be the Accountants massaging the figures.
Manuel Uribe, a Mexican who weighs over 300Kg and hasn’t left his bed in six years, married his long-time girlfriend Claudia Solis in northern Mexico, on Sunday.