Here’s 25 Comebacks to the age old question:

• You haven’t asked yet.

• What? And spoil my great sex life?

• Nobody would believe me in white.

• Because I just love hearing this question.

• Just lucky, I guess.

• I’m waiting until I get to be your age.

• It gives my mother something to live for.

• My fiancé is awaiting parole.

• I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. World.

• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

• It didn’t seem worth a blood test.

• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

• My landlord doesn’t allow spouses.

• I’d have to forfeit my multi-million pound trust fund.

• They just opened a great singles bar on my street.

• I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

• I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.

• What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?

• We really want to, but my lover’s husband just won’t go for it.

• I don’t want to have to support another person on my salary.

• Why aren’t you thin?

• I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

• (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 2:03 PM BST

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Over at The Science Creative Quarterly, they’ve been applying hard science to some of the clichés and generalizations that romantics nearly always throw around, when waxing lyrical about the nature and mysteries of love.

So, anyway, now you too can find out whether or not old chestnuts such as “All we need is love”, or “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, have any truth behind them.

Here’s a good example of there application of The Scientific Method to the idea that “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.

The results my surprise you, and doubtless will be of tremendous value to anyone with even the slightest interest in seduction.

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 2:59 PM BST

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Some people think it’s solely a man’s duty to be romantic on Valentine’s Day. Therefore, these people believe they should get some payback for the roses, the surprise trip to Paris, or the jewellery hidden in her desert after dinner.

So, since they feel left out, they’ve declared the invention of “Steak and Blowjob Day“; which allows women to show their men just how much they care for them.

Apparently, no cards, flowers or special nights on the town are needed, and the simple and effective name of the celebration says it all… It’s just a steak and a BJ.

You can even sign a petition, to make it that little bit more official.

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 1:08 PM BST

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Leading sex therapists are warning that Britain is facing an explosion of sex addiction, fuelled by the ready availability of pornography via the internet. “Make no mistake, this country is teetering on the edge of an erotic disaster – if the sexual desires of these addicts can’t be met, then we’ll see an explosion of inappropriate public sexual conduct,” warns Dr Roderick Ramploss, Britain’s top expert on sex addiction. ”Trust me, hardcore addicts will go to any lengths to try and satisfy their rampant sexual urges – they’ll resort to robbery, fraud and mugging in order get the funds for their visits to prostitutes and they’ll be ram-raiding newsagents for supplies of top-shelf pornography. The government has to act now if we are to avert a massive increase in such sex-related crimes.” To avoid this nightmare scenario of Britain’s streets overrun by priapic fiends, Ramploss and his colleagues are recommending that pornography and prostitutes be made available on the National Health Service (NHS). “It’s ridiculous that, right now, if I want to prescribe any of my patients the appropriate therapy, it has to be done in expensive private brothels and porn cinemas,” he declares. “Believe me, this is resulting in thousands of sex addicts being denied treatment. As it stands, the best free treatment I can offer NHS patients is whacking off over the lingerie pages of a clothes catalogue.” According to Ramploss, sex addiction can, like other substance abuses, be treated by easing the sufferer off of their dependency in stages. “Just making them go ‘cold turkey’ would be disastrous – the craving behind sex addiction is so powerful that, if deprived of normal sexual activity, sufferers would quite literally masturbate themselves to death. Worse still, they could seek other outlets, sticking their penises into plug sockets and electrocuting themselves, for instance,” he explains. “No, they must be weaned off of their addiction under controlled conditions – their porn intake gradually reduced, and their sexual activity modified by specially trained prostitutes. Before they know it, instead of desiring five times a night hot nympho sluts, they’ll be satisfied with demure housewife types who only do it once a week with the light off. Ultimately, after a few weeks of my treatment regime, even the worst sex addicts will be able satisfy their urges with a twice weekly session with a blow-up sex doll.” Consequently, Ramploss is calling for brothel wards to be set up in every major NHS hospital, staffed by imported prostitutes dressed as nurses. “I know from personal experience that our home grown slappers just aren’t up to the job,” he says. “No stamina, no imagination. What’s needed are highly trained Scandinavian girls or, failing that, some of those big-thighed Slavic girls from Russia.”

This article continues here:

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 1:00 AM BST

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Christmas / New Year often seems to be a time when the media decides to pull out various random lists. So, not wanting to break a perfectly silly tradition, and because I would suspect that any good Seductionist would be rather interested to know a little background about their favourite piece of furniture. Here is a short list, that I stumbled across quite some time back, but which might keep you amused for a minute or two, possibly more:

1. In the late 1980s, soul singer Alexander O’Neal would perform some of his songs on a lavish bed which was part of his stage set. Ladies from the audience could join him for some singing-related hot fun.
2. Van Gogh’s crooked bed is the main feature of one of his most celebrated paintings ‘The Bedroom at Arles‘.
3. Most countries have a host of apocryphal beds in which someone famous has slept. In Scotland, it is Mary Queen of Scots, in the US, George Washington. If all the beds in which Washington slept were laid end to end and divided by nine, he would still have to have lived to a hundred and fifty three.
4. In Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlie’s four grandparents spend their lives in one communal bed, two at each end.
5. Better known for her book The Borrowers, Mary Norton also wrote the two children’s books on which the Disney film Bedknobs and Broomsticks was based. These stories tell of the adventures (based around a magic flying bed) of three children and their aunt’s trainee Witch neighbour, Miss Price.
6. Artist Tracey Emin’s ‘My Bed‘ exhibit of 1998 is one of the most notorious artworks of recent years. It is a representation of, err, her bed, complete with stains and rumples, and the detritus to be found around it (vodka bottles, condoms etc).
7. The Great Bed of Ware is a huge four-poster bed found in the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. According to legend, covered beds were necessary to stop sleepers being bothered by creatures (cats, creepy crawlies, etc.) falling out of the thatched roof-space above them.
8. In Suite 1742 of the Fairmont Hotel, in Montreal, John Lennon and Yoko Ono staged their most famous bed-in, spending eight days in bed, during which they wrote and recorded ‘Give Peace a Chance‘ with the help of Petula Clark and Timothy Leary. World peace, naturally, was achieved just moments later.
9. In the mid 1950s, the artist Robert Rauschenberg created ‘Bed‘, an artwork consisting of a bed hung on a wall like a painting.
10. 18th century charlatan James Graham built a ‘Temple of Health’ in London, designed to part the rich and their money. The main attraction was the 50-pounds-per-night ‘Celestial Bed‘, supposed to cure impotence or infertility. The mattress was stuffed in part with stallions’ tales and an electrical current ran through the headboard and supposedly filled the air with magnetic charges which were thought beneficial to sexual health.
11. In Hans Christian Andersen’s tale, ‘The Princess and the Pea‘, the girl proves herself a princess by remaining sleepless due to feeling the pea, even through twenty mattresses.
12. John Denver sang of ‘Grandma’s Feather Bed‘ which was ‘nine feet high and six feet wide, soft as a downy chick / It was made from the feathers of forty eleven geese, took a whole bolt of cloth for the tick / It’d hold eight kids an’ four hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed / We didn’t get much sleep but we had a lot of fun on grandma’s feather bed’.

Posted by Jonathan as History, humour, Miscellaneous at 11:29 PM BST

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Do you want to be rich, but you’re too idle to get a job? Are you arrogant and lack respect for the rest of the world? Do you never admit to being wrong? Think you’re superior, and know more than everyone else?

If you answered ‘yes’ to all these question, then congratulations, you could start a brand new career as a Seduction expert.

It’s easy peasy too… Just take some simple occurrence and then hard sell it to all us brainless imbeciles on the Internet. Maybe you could eulogise how important it is to wash and not smell like a camel, when people go out looking for someone to seduce. Perhaps you could invent talking to people in pubs / bars, and then sell us your discoveries. Five minutes of deliberation will get you a lifetime of paycheques.

So, here’s a sample sales letter you can adopt and adapt to start your new business, guaranteed to lure in loads of victims customers.

———————————– Page Top ———————————–

<Insert retarded pseudonym here> presents:

SOME LAME SEDUCTION PRODUCT!!

Here is an image of my name typed in a handwriting font, so it looks like a signature.

Here is a photo of a happy looking guy, wearing fetish clothing.

Dear Friend,

———————– FOLD (never write above the fold) ———————-

My name is <Insert retarded pseudonym here> and I profess to being a Seduction master. I have had more sex in a week than you will have in your life, using MY system that only I know, but I’ll give you the chance to have this system all for yourself, right after I’ve shown you this:

Here are some testimonials written by my friends.

Here are some stock photos.

Again, I will profess to being an expert, and tell you about the girl I fucked, within hours of inventing this system.

And we’ll have some more stock photos.

Hang on, I was wrong, I said I shagged a girl…

Sorry, but it was three girls!! Ooops, aren’t I silly?!?

Here’s some randomised text that will baffle you a little and make you half forget that you’re reading this with a view to buying anything. I’ll tell you about how I was ‘an ordinary bloke’ who worked in a shop, or did something in an office, just like you. Then I’ll tell you about how my system got me loving from all the fittest supermodels, and how Hugh Hefner now asks me for advice!!

Don’t you feel like you’ve always known me?

Here’s some text that makes you half believe that this product will be free.

Here’s some Photoshopped image of a little black book, brimming with numbers I allegedly obtained last week.

Here’s a stock photo of a model, in a car that I claim to own.

Here’s a stock image of four models, next to a beach house.

Have some more text, maybe even a couple of questions regarding the reader’s wishes towards a rich and fulfilling sex life.

And some more testimonials, with yet more stock photos.

BLAM, here’s the price, near the bottom.

Wow, sounds a lot doesn’t it? But just look at the stock photo of the girl again, and one of those four models at a different angle, just to make her look a bit more real.

And now take another peek at the happy looking guy wearing fetish clothes, I’ve Photoshopped in a really nice looking woman in her mid-twenties so I look like I’ve got a girlfriend. Look closely, you can even see the joins.

Possibly my friend’s stock photos and some more testimonials.

So hand over your money now!

———————————– PAGE END ———————————–

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 4:32 PM BST

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It has been established for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had actually conducted a detailed scientific study to assess the exact caloric content of various sexual activities.

However, just last week, Professor Willy Grabber and his collaborator Dr. Betty Wolnt of the Neasden College of Knowledge, published their findings in the journal Busty Blondes.

The results of their extensive proprietary research are reproduced below:

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 2:06 PM BST

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Oftentimes, we see the craziest stuff in films, but the strangest thing is that some people actually think it’s all based on fact, when in actuality, most of what you see on TeeVee or film is just contrived to meet a stereotype, and boost ratings, so that advertisers fork over more $$$.

Seducers will be familiar with the guy and girl get married and live happily ever after scenes, from most Hollywood endings, and realise that that’s not how real life works. And, as for girls being rude and bitchy to guys ALL the time, that’s completely daft.

Now, I was sent this list ages back, so I have no idea where it first came from, but I think it illustrates my point perfectly, and in an extremely funny way.

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people (whether they are employed or not).

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. All laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien army.

5. It doesn’t matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one-by-one, dancing around in a threatening manner, until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard-working Policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

12. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off (even while scuba diving).

14. You’re very likely to survive any battle, in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do fine.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

21. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

22. A Detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

23. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

24. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their complete opposite.

25. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 7:42 PM BST

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This was found on a religious message board, so if you are a Seducer with a religious streak, these religious seduction hints and tips could be just what you’re looking for:

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. — Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. — Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. — Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. — Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. — Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. — Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. — Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut off 200 foreskins from your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. — David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander about a while and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative of course.) — Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. — Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a …woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” — Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). — David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die then take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law). — Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. — Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15. Become sinless and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. — Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 4:30 PM BST

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1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

3. When questioned by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “BULLSHIT!” (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beverages in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But you may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own – grill, car, firstborn child – within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

10. Agreeing to distract the skanky friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.

13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – You didn’t see nothin’.

15. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

16. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

17. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends – Low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

18. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, never appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

19. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

20. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her ugly, whiny friend up with your pal, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

21. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

22. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

23. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass whuppin’, then you may sit back and enjoy.

24. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

25. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favour of better athletes – as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

28. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“C’mon, give me one more! Harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”

29. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

30. Never talk to another man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod will do just fine.

31. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.

32. You can not rat out a friend who show’s up to work or class with a massive hangover, however you may: hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness on his computer way up so he thinks its broken, or have him paged every seven minutes.

33. If your buddy is trying to hook up with a girl, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chances of getting any either.

34. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” then you are absolved from all responsibility. Later on it is ok that you have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

35. The morning after you and a babe, who was formerly “just a friend”, go at it, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to jump on her again before there is a discussion about what a big mistake it was.

36. When using a urinal in a public restroom, a buffer zone of at least one urinal will exist at all times. If the only empty urinal is directly next to an occupied on, then you are still required to wait.

37. When coming to a room which you know is occupied by your friend and possibly another girl, you must knock and wait for an adequate response. If no response occurs, and the door is locked, a 10 minute period is required before knocking again.

38. If you accidentally touch or brush against any part of another man below the waist, it is an understood accident, and NO apologies or any reference to the occurrence is necessary.

39. Any dispute lasting any longer than 3 minutes must be settled by rock, paper, scissors. There is no argument too important for this determining method.

40. Only acceptable time when a man is allowed to cry:
When a heroic dog dies to save his master.
After being struck in the testicles with anything moving faster than 7 mph.
When your date is using her teeth.
The day Anna Kornikova chooses a husband.

41. If a hot girl shall happen to pass by while you are in an arms reach of your buddy, you must, tap him on the shoulder to make him aware of the babe.

42. A man’s shoes may not intentionally match any other article of clothing on his body.

43. No man shall ever allow anyone to speak ill of The Simpsons or any Rocky movie. (Exception: Rocky V)

44. Any object thrown with reasonable speed and accuracy, MUST be caught.

45. No man shall ever keep track of, or count, the amount of beers he has drunk in a night.

46. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach, and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel, and it’s free.

47. Under no circumstances may two non-related men share a bed or anything which could be perceived as a mattress.

48. If you jiggle more than twice, you’re playing with it.

49. A man shall never help another man apply sun tan oil.

50. It is the God given duty of every man to assist any other man that may be in need of assistance in obtaining a threesome with two girls.

Posted by Jonathan as humour at 1:57 AM BST

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