1. Oral sex does not mean talking dirty to each other.
2. A condom is not needed if you’re doing it alone.
3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.
4. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying ‘NO’.
5. So that it’s not a crime, mutual consent is necessary.
6. Abstinence is not a kinky position.
7. Speed is not a virtue.
8. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
9. If she says “doggy style”, then DO NOT nip down to the local RSPCA.
10. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
11. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that’s a pawn shop.
12. If your wife tells you sex is a “pain in the ass” turn her over.
13. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch, while you use both hands.
14. Karma Sutra is not a martial art; therefore don’t tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
15. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
16. If she says she’s a virgin, that doesn’t mean she’s from a state in the southern USA.
17. If you’re going to call out a name, make sure it’s the right one.
18. Choking the chicken is not something done at farms. And spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.
19. You don’t need a passport to French kiss.
20. If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask, this doesn’t mean that it’s Halloween.
21. Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
22. Spermicide is not made by Raid.
23. The clap doesn’t mean she is applauding your performance.
24. If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, that doesn’t mean you have to buy a Berlitz guide and learn the language.
25. “Faster, Harder, Deeper” is not the motto of the Olympics.
26. A Fallopian tube is not part of a Television set.
27. Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
28. A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
29. If it doesn’t make you smile: YOU AIN’T DOIN’ IT RIGHT!
30. When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don’t say you want to check your e-mail first.
The rules of “YES” & “NO”
We’ve all been there - both guys and girls - So here’s a quick guide to help you out:
1. If you ask a girl to have sex and she says “definitely not“, she really means “NO“.
2. If she says “NO“, then you have to do better, and then maybe… But make sure you ask again before going too far, and then go back to point #1 and start again.
3. If she says “MAYBE“, she means “YES“; but you have to really encourage her along the way. Don’t do anything stupid such as rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the “MAYBE” to a DEFINITE “NO“, which neither of you want.
4. If she says “YES“, she’s probably not worth it.
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 12:29 AM EDT
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I agree that guys claiming to be big and macho is not seduction.
My friend sent me these jokes, which I think are very funny, so I’m forwarding to your website.
- The Alpha Male walks up to a woman in a bar and says, “You’re going to get laid tonight”
- A bit surprised, she asks, “Really? How do you know that? Are you Psychic?”
- He replies “No, I’m just stronger than you!”
- What’s the Alpha Male’s favourite chatup line?
- “Get in the van!”
- What’s the Alpha Male’s idea of foreplay?
- “Scream an’ I’ll fucking cut you, Bitch!”
- The Alpha Male saved a girl from getting raped last night
- He went home and masturbated instead!
- Why did the Alpha Male cry during sex?
- That’s one of the side-effects of Pepper spray!
- What did the Alpha Male do after sex?
- 15 years to life!
Posted by Anonymous as Humour at 5:00 PM EDT
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Professor Willy Grabber and his assistant, Dr. Betty Wolnt of the Neasden College of Knowledge, send word that they have just made some fascinating new discoveries about the differences between men’s and women’s brains, using the latest in Fisher-Price brain scanning equipment.
Preliminary findings of their research, which will be published later this month in the peer reviewed journal Naughty Cheerleaders, are reproduced below:
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 12:01 AM EDT
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I’ve often heard it said that women are problems. And generally I’ve tended to believe that they’re no worse than a lot of men. Especially since people making this claim generally offer very little evidence to back it up.
However, I’ve recently been presented with conclusive proof that women are indeed problems; as you can see from the information below.
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 12:53 AM EDT
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Much of the information here at Seduction Labs is aimed at ordinary people who want to get laid. But what if you’re a geek? You have a whole different set of problems.
Luckily for you then, those nice people at GeeksAreSexy have put together some information for geek guys looking for geekophilic girls.
It might take talking to quite a few girls before you find the right geek loving one, but keep at it.
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 12:58 AM EST
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Here’s 25 Comebacks to the age old question:
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You haven’t asked yet.
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What? And spoil my great sex life?
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Nobody would believe me in white.
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Because I just love hearing this question.
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Just lucky, I guess.
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I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
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It gives my mother something to live for.
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My fiancé is awaiting parole.
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I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. World.
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Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
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It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
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I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
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I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
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Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
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My landlord doesn’t allow spouses.
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I’d have to forfeit my multi-million pound trust fund.
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They just opened a great singles bar on my street.
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I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
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I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
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What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
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We really want to, but my lover’s husband just won’t go for it.
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I don’t want to have to support another person on my salary.
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Why aren’t you thin?
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I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
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(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 2:03 PM EST
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Over at The Science Creative Quarterly, they’ve been applying hard science to some of the clichés and generalizations that romantics nearly always throw around, when waxing lyrical about the nature and mysteries of love.
So, anyway, now you too can find out whether or not old chestnuts such as “All we need is love”, or “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”, have any truth behind them.
Here’s a good example of there application of The Scientific Method to the idea that “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.
The results my surprise you, and doubtless will be of tremendous value to anyone with even the slightest interest in seduction.
HYPOTHESIS. “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
EXPERIMENTAL DESIGN: Two male subjects were selected from the incoming freshman class at a local high school. The subjects’ survey answers indicated that they had no prior experience in romantic relationships with female companions. Indeed, both subjects circled ‘yucky’, ‘gross’, and ‘cootielicious’ from a list of terms to describe their feelings about girls.
Each subject was shadowed for several months by a member of the research team posing as fellow students. Subject A’s interactions with the opposite sex were minimized; methods employed included introducing the subject to online gaming sites, promoting the wearing of knee-high socks in gym class, and regular depantsings in the school cafeteria. Subject B, on the other hand, was encouraged to attend coed parties, to feign interest in sharing his feelings, and to let the cute girls copy his term papers.
When these methods failed to attract a suitable female companion, we supplied Subject B with a wicked good fake ID and a leased Audi. Three days later, Subject B entered a romantic relationship with a junior varsity cheerleader. After a ten-week incubation period, the research team deemed that the relationship constituted ‘love’, and persuaded a linebacker from the football team to woo the cheerleader away from Subject B.
RESULTS: Subject A, while shunned by the female of the species, seemed content throughout the experiment to spend hours a day gaming online and commiserating with like-minded males. Subject A described the depantsings in particular as ‘embarrassing’, ‘bogus’, and ‘not even funny any more’, but otherwise reported no adverse effects of the experiment. As a condition of his participation, Subject A also required that we include the text, “Lv32 tauren hunter Fyrem1st bl00wynd r0xx0rs WoW!!!!@!eleventy!” We suspect it’s some sort of code.
Conversely, Subject B spent several days early in the incubation period agonizing over whether the female subject ‘likes me’ or ‘likes me likes me’. He subsequently spent most of his waking time worrying that his companion would abandon him for another mate, until his fears were ultimately realized. After the experiment concluded, Subject B serenaded his former companion in an effort to win her back; he was lightly beaten and stuffed into a trash barrel by her new suitor. Subject B was unavailable to complete a post-experiment survey.
CONCLUSION: The hypothesis is clearly disproven by this experiment. Based on the available data, it is far preferable to have never loved at all, particularly if one can avoid public depantsing in the process. A follow-up experiment to determine whether it is better to have loved and won is under way. Our group expects to publish those findings within the next sixty to seventy years.
The other experiments are available
here:
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 2:59 PM EST
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Some people think it’s solely a man’s duty to be romantic on Valentine’s Day. Therefore, these people believe they should get some payback for the roses, the surprise trip to Paris, or the jewellery hidden in her desert after dinner.
So, since they feel left out, they’ve declared the invention of “Steak and Blowjob Day“; which allows women to show their men just how much they care for them.
Apparently, no cards, flowers or special nights on the town are needed, and the simple and effective name of the celebration says it all… It’s just a steak and a BJ.
You can even sign a petition, to make it that little bit more official.
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 1:08 PM EST
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Leading sex therapists are warning that Britain is facing an explosion of sex addiction, fuelled by the ready availability of pornography via the internet. “Make no mistake, this country is teetering on the edge of an erotic disaster – if the sexual desires of these addicts can’t be met, then we’ll see an explosion of inappropriate public sexual conduct,” warns Dr Roderick Ramploss, Britain’s top expert on sex addiction. ”Trust me, hardcore addicts will go to any lengths to try and satisfy their rampant sexual urges – they’ll resort to robbery, fraud and mugging in order get the funds for their visits to prostitutes and they’ll be ram-raiding newsagents for supplies of top-shelf pornography. The government has to act now if we are to avert a massive increase in such sex-related crimes.” To avoid this nightmare scenario of Britain’s streets overrun by priapic fiends, Ramploss and his colleagues are recommending that pornography and prostitutes be made available on the National Health Service (NHS). “It’s ridiculous that, right now, if I want to prescribe any of my patients the appropriate therapy, it has to be done in expensive private brothels and porn cinemas,” he declares. “Believe me, this is resulting in thousands of sex addicts being denied treatment. As it stands, the best free treatment I can offer NHS patients is whacking off over the lingerie pages of a clothes catalogue.” According to Ramploss, sex addiction can, like other substance abuses, be treated by easing the sufferer off of their dependency in stages. “Just making them go ‘cold turkey’ would be disastrous – the craving behind sex addiction is so powerful that, if deprived of normal sexual activity, sufferers would quite literally masturbate themselves to death. Worse still, they could seek other outlets, sticking their penises into plug sockets and electrocuting themselves, for instance,” he explains. “No, they must be weaned off of their addiction under controlled conditions – their porn intake gradually reduced, and their sexual activity modified by specially trained prostitutes. Before they know it, instead of desiring five times a night hot nympho sluts, they’ll be satisfied with demure housewife types who only do it once a week with the light off. Ultimately, after a few weeks of my treatment regime, even the worst sex addicts will be able satisfy their urges with a twice weekly session with a blow-up sex doll.” Consequently, Ramploss is calling for brothel wards to be set up in every major NHS hospital, staffed by imported prostitutes dressed as nurses. “I know from personal experience that our home grown slappers just aren’t up to the job,” he says. “No stamina, no imagination. What’s needed are highly trained Scandinavian girls or, failing that, some of those big-thighed Slavic girls from Russia.”
This article continues here:
Posted by Jonathan as Humour at 1:00 AM EST
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Christmas / New Year often seems to be a time when the media decides to pull out various random lists. So, not wanting to break a perfectly silly tradition, and because I would suspect that any good Seductionist would be rather interested to know a little background about their favourite piece of furniture. Here is a short list, that I stumbled across quite some time back, but which might keep you amused for a minute or two, possibly more:
- In the late 1980s, soul singer Alexander O’Neal would perform some of his songs on a lavish bed which was part of his stage set. Ladies from the audience could join him for some singing-related hot fun.
- Van Gogh’s crooked bed is the main feature of one of his most celebrated paintings ‘The Bedroom at Arles‘.
- Most countries have a host of apocryphal beds in which someone famous has slept. In Scotland, it is Mary Queen of Scots, in the US, George Washington. If all the beds in which Washington slept were laid end to end and divided by nine, he would still have to have lived to a hundred and fifty three.
- In Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlie’s four grandparents spend their lives in one communal bed, two at each end.
- Better known for her book The Borrowers, Mary Norton also wrote the two children’s books on which the Disney film Bedknobs and Broomsticks was based. These stories tell of the adventures (based around a magic flying bed) of three children and their aunt’s trainee Witch neighbour, Miss Price.
- Artist Tracey Emin’s ‘My Bed‘ exhibit of 1998 is one of the most notorious artworks of recent years. It is a representation of, err, her bed, complete with stains and rumples, and the detritus to be found around it (vodka bottles, condoms etc).
- The Great Bed of Ware is a huge four-poster bed found in the Victoria and Albert Museum in London. According to legend, covered beds were necessary to stop sleepers being bothered by creatures (cats, creepy crawlies, etc.) falling out of the thatched roof-space above them.
- In Suite 1742 of the Fairmont Hotel, in Montreal, John Lennon and Yoko Ono staged their most famous bed-in, spending eight days in bed, during which they wrote and recorded ‘Give Peace a Chance‘ with the help of Petula Clark and Timothy Leary. World peace, naturally, was achieved just moments later.
- In the mid 1950s, the artist Robert Rauschenberg created ‘Bed‘, an artwork consisting of a bed hung on a wall like a painting.
- 18th century charlatan James Graham built a ‘Temple of Health’ in London, designed to part the rich and their money. The main attraction was the 50-pounds-per-night ‘Celestial Bed‘, supposed to cure impotence or infertility. The mattress was stuffed in part with stallions’ tales and an electrical current ran through the headboard and supposedly filled the air with magnetic charges which were thought beneficial to sexual health.
- In Hans Christian Andersen’s tale, ‘The Princess and the Pea‘, the girl proves herself a princess by remaining sleepless due to feeling the pea, even through twenty mattresses.
- John Denver sang of ‘Grandma’s Feather Bed‘ which was ‘nine feet high and six feet wide, soft as a downy chick / It was made from the feathers of forty eleven geese, took a whole bolt of cloth for the tick / It’d hold eight kids an’ four hound dogs and a piggy we stole from the shed / We didn’t get much sleep but we had a lot of fun on grandma’s feather bed’.
Posted by Jonathan as History, Humour, Miscellaneous at 11:29 PM EST
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