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We’ve all heard about how photos of gorgeous models are often retouched to make them look even more beautiful, correcting any stray hairs or skin blemishes, before they appear in magazines etc.
In this amusing video, a somewhat overenthusiastic artist demonstrates their retouching skills with a picture of a plain looking fat girl, turning her into a more attractive skinny girl, using just the Power of Adobe Photoshop.
Posted by Jonathan as Miscellaneous, humour at 7:35 PM GMT
Wedding Crashers is a film with a preposterous plot and a completely unbelievable ending, but that doesn’t stop it being a very funny movie.
And, of course, in real life nobody in their right mind would bother to go to all the trouble of memorising such a long and complicated list of rules and regulations. The full list, however, is hilarious, and amongst the rules there are certainly one or two interesting seduction hints and tips that you might find useful. So, for your amusement (and possible education), here is the list of rules for crashing a wedding:-
Rule #1: Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
Rule #2: Never use your real name.
Rule #3: Never confess.
Rule #4: No one goes home alone.
Rule #5: Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.
Rule #6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention to you in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule #7: Blend in by standing out.
Rule #8: Be the life of the party.
Rule #9: Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Rule #10: Invitations are for pussies.
Rule #11: Sensitive is good.
Rule #12: Of course you dream of one day having children.
Rule #13: Bridesmaids are desperate – console them.
Rule #14: You’re a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15: Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16: Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17: Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18: You love animals and children.
Rule #19: Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practised the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20: Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.
Rule #21: Make sure she’s 18.
Rule #22: You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal – Period – No overtime.
Rule #23: There’s nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there are enough women to go around.
Rule #24: If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25: You understand she heard that, but that’s not what you meant.
Rule #26: Of course you love her.
Rule #27: Don’t over-drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28: Make sure there’s an open bar.
Rule #29: Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30: You’re from out of town. ALWAYS.
Rule #31: Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
Rule #32: Don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33: Never go back to your place.
Rule #34: Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35: Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #36: 3 or 4 months to Wedding crash – Funerals are year round.
Rule #37: At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunken Crasher is a sloppy Crasher.
Rule #38: Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
Rule #39: Your favourite movie is “The English Patient”.
Rule #40: No “chicken dancing” – no exceptions.
Rule #41: Never hit on the bride! It’s a one-way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #42: The way to a women’s bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #43: Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet”.
Rule #44: If there is a cash bar, bring your fake war medals. You’ll never have to buy a drink.
Rule #45: You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #46: At the service, sit in the fifth row. It’s close enough to the wedding party to seem like you’re an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like Crashing.
Rule #47: If two rival Crashers pick the same girl, the Crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
Rule #48: Always remember your fake name!
Rule #49: The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don’t sully them by “improvising”.
Rule #50: When your Crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island…
Posted by Jonathan as Art & Literature, humour at 11:33 PM GMT
You need to get out of a potentially awkward date with someone you swapped phone numbers with, while you were drunk?
Don’t worry, here’s a treasure trove of excuses to free up your time for something more fun:
I’d love to, but…
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 11:52 PM GMT
We have regularly pointed out that claims made by Body language aficionados are about as reliable as those made by Astrologers; and slightly less use than urban myths such as “men with big feet make good lovers” or “you should never trust left handed people and people whose eyebrows meet in the middle.”
However, browsing through the book Undercover Sex Signals by Leil Lowndes, we discover that women apparently have a secret signalling system to get men to talk to them. Then, as is usual with pseudo-scientific subjects, it’s revealed that nobody was ever aware of this arrangement (including the women) until the product you just bought was put together.
Here’s a very informative example from the book, which I found quite entertaining:
If you see a woman across the room looking at you and not smiling, you might not think she wants you to approach. But if you take careful note of her hands, you may see she is running a finger around her wineglass. It is not out of boredom. She might even be imagining that she is caressing you.
In this picture [of a girl holding a drink], Jade has chosen to caress her glass with her pointing finger, figuring that her middle finger or ring finger would be just too obvious.
Anyway, the book essentially lists gestures which Ms. Lowndes suggests that a woman will use to show that she is interested in a man. Naturally, all of these signals are so broad and vague that one might as well interpret anything except the woman screaming “Get away from me or I’ll call the Police” as a sign of interest.
Just for fun, here’s a list of some of the key points the author lists as body language signs of interest; and as an added bonus, we’ve reinterpreted the signals to tell you what they really mean.
| Body language claims as signs of interest: | What the action really means: |
| She puts something in her mouth | These chips are tasty |
| She flashes her neck and/or underarms | It’s hot in here |
| She invades your space and/or leans in towards you | It’s crowded in here |
| She touches herself | She found some lint |
| She mirrors you | She loves old Groucho Marx films |
| She fiddles with some object | She’s away with the fairies |
| She acts a bit goofy | She’s a woman |
| She adopts a ‘pose’ | She’s pretentious |
| She sits up straighter when you come into the room | You remind her of one of her old school teachers |
| Her palms are pointing towards you | Please don’t hurt me, Mr Psycho! |
| She glances at you sideways | She thinks you might be an axe murderer! |
| She whispers and giggles with a girlfriend | She thinks you’re a dork |
| She plays peek-a-boo with you | She thinks you have the intelligence of a toddler |
| She adjusts her makeup | She left home in a hurry |
| She (accidentally) exposes some extra flesh | She forgot to wear her control pants |
| She plays with her hair | She can’t see through split ends |
Posted by Jonathan as Art & Literature, humour at 7:12 PM GMT
1. There is no remedy for sex, except more sex.
2. Sex has no calories.
3. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.
4. The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
5. Nothing improves with age.
6. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
7. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty – only if it’s done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
23. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
24. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
25. There may be some things better than sex and some things worse than sex. But there’s nothing exactly like sex.
26. Love your neighbour, but don’t get caught.
27. If the efforts that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon.
28. Love is a matter of Chemistry; sex is a matter of Physics.
29. Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey its full meaning.
30. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
31. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
32. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
33. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
34. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
35. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
36. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.
37. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
38. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
39. A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he doesn’t love her.
40. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
41. Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
42. Love comes in spurts.
43. The world does not revolve on an axis.
44. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
45. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
46. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.
47. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool, when they fall in love.
48. Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
49. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 10:25 AM BST
1. Oral sex does not mean talking dirty to each other.
2. A condom is not needed if you’re doing it alone.
3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.
4. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying ‘NO’.
5. So that it’s not a crime, mutual consent is necessary.
6. Abstinence is not a kinky position.
7. Speed is not a virtue.
8. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
9. If she says “doggy style”, then DO NOT nip down to the local RSPCA.
10. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
11. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that’s a pawn shop.
12. If your wife tells you sex is a “pain in the ass” turn her over.
13. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch, while you use both hands.
14. Karma Sutra is not a martial art; therefore don’t tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
15. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
16. If she says she’s a virgin, that doesn’t mean she’s from a state in the southern USA.
17. If you’re going to call out a name, make sure it’s the right one.
18. Choking the chicken is not something done at farms. And spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.
19. You don’t need a passport to French kiss.
20. If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask, this doesn’t mean that it’s Halloween.
21. Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
22. Spermicide is not made by Raid.
23. The clap doesn’t mean she is applauding your performance.
24. If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, that doesn’t mean you have to buy a Berlitz guide and learn the language.
25. “Faster, Harder, Deeper” is not the motto of the Olympics.
26. A Fallopian tube is not part of a Television set.
27. Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
28. A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
29. If it doesn’t make you smile: YOU AIN’T DOIN’ IT RIGHT!
30. When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don’t say you want to check your e-mail first.
We’ve all been there – both guys and girls – So here’s a quick guide to help you out:
1. If you ask a girl to have sex and she says “definitely not“, she really means “NO“.
2. If she says “NO“, then you have to do better, and then maybe… But make sure you ask again before going too far, and then go back to point #1 and start again.
3. If she says “MAYBE“, she means “YES“; but you have to really encourage her along the way. Don’t do anything stupid such as rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the “MAYBE” to a DEFINITE “NO“, which neither of you want.
4. If she says “YES“, she’s probably not worth it.
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 12:29 AM BST
I agree that guys claiming to be big and macho is not seduction.
My friend sent me these jokes, which I think are very funny, so I’m forwarding to your website.
Posted by Anonymous as humour at 5:00 PM BST
Professor Willy Grabber and his assistant, Dr. Betty Wolnt of the Neasden College of Knowledge, send word that they have just made some fascinating new discoveries about the differences between men’s and women’s brains, using the latest in Fisher-Price brain scanning equipment.
Preliminary findings of their research, which will be published later this month in the peer reviewed journal Naughty Cheerleaders, are reproduced below:
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 12:01 AM BST
I’ve often heard it said that women are problems. And generally I’ve tended to believe that they’re no worse than a lot of men. Especially since people making this claim generally offer very little evidence to back it up.
However, I’ve recently been presented with conclusive proof that women are indeed problems; as you can see from the information below.
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 12:53 AM BST
Much of the information here at Seduction Labs is aimed at ordinary people who want to get laid. But what if you’re a geek? You have a whole different set of problems.
Luckily for you then, those nice people at GeeksAreSexy have put together some information for geek guys looking for geekophilic girls.
It might take talking to quite a few girls before you find the right geek loving one, but keep at it.
Posted by Jonathan as humour at 12:58 AM BST
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