Attitude is essential
Approach a woman with the following attitude: I am very interested in getting to know you better. This indicates to a woman that you find her attractive and will take your time with her, instead of signalling that you view her as an object, and that you are not really taking who she is into account (i.e. that you have made up your mind based on how she looks, or some other superficial thing). The difference is subtle.

Avoiding rejection is foolish
Remember, only if it is OK for a woman to say no to you will it be OK to say yes. It is much better to approach a woman openly and honestly about your intent (as long as it is not purely sex), and to let her reject you a few times. I am not talking about being persistent with a woman when she is clearly uninterested (i.e. it’s NOT ok to stalk her until she capitulates). But I am suggesting that persistence is important with a woman who shows some interest but also some reluctance. Vary the invitations, in terms of timing and activity. Be OK with her saying no, and don’t take it too personally. Finally, if the varied approaches and a bit of time do not reduce her reluctance (or increase it), get over it and move on without making too big a deal out of it.

Timing
To be successful in the dating process, I believe a man must understand what issues a woman faces, so that you can avoid situations that raise the risk of rejection (by making her more uncomfortable). For example, dates on Friday and Saturday night are naturally more opened ended (for those with normal work schedules) and therefore create more anxiety for a woman early in the dating process. Dates with natural and defined ‘outs’, therefore should be encouraged, not avoided early on. For example: Dinner or lunch during the week is one way to go. The other is to define an end to the date when you ask her out. For example: “Why don’t we get together for dinner and drinks on Friday. But, I can’t make it too late a night because I have to get up early on Saturday to do…” Dates during the day, especially on weekends, have no pre-set endings and can handled in a similar way. (Why don’t we meet for brunch? go to a movie? go to the zoo? and then I’ll drop you home about such-and-such a time, because I have to meet friends, go to the dentist, etc.).

The choice of an open-ended time where you set the time-limit is, in some cases, the best choice because it clearly and openly demonstrates to a woman that you can be reasonable and are in control of yourself. That often allows her to let down her guard a bit, since she won’t always have to be the one to set the limits in the interactions.

Activities
It is always best to engage in activities that both people are interested in. That cuts in favour of ‘buddy’ activities that both people enjoy. And, activities that you both like, where the guy is better, and she wants to learn more. This gives the guy a chance to be a patient and gentle teacher. It is not a stretch for a woman to suppose that you will be that way in other areas as well, or to want to return the favour in areas where she may have more skill or experience. On the other hand, if she is better at the activity and wants to teach you, the more comfortable and gracious you can be about taking advice and learning, the better off you will be.

That being said, it is always good if a guy can introduce a woman to an activity that she hasn’t done that she will come to like. And the reverse is true as well. Again, comfort and graciousness when you are learning or uncertain is the key.

Posted by JSterling as Psychology, Sociology at 10:04 PM BST

No Comments »