Some men have a reputation that you would rather not know about – he’s known to some as a player. But there’s a lot more to him than that, or so you hope. Can you ever get this guy to settle down? After all, studies show that men in relationships are happier and better adjusted, so really you’d both be better off, right? Well, he may not see things that way, so what can you do? Here’s a few ways to catch and tame the playboy that will help you both find happiness.

Have you ever known anyone in this type of situation? When Steven met Laura he decided she was definitely someone he could finally be with exclusively. And while it wasn’t the first time he had felt this way, for some reason or another, things just never worked out the way he imagined they would. He saw Laura repeatedly for about a month or two and the relationship started waning, before long he was back to his usual self and other women were in his sights. Laura knew of his reputation, but he seemed very serious about her and he even told her so. But neither of them saw their relationship blossom into what they each had hoped. Hypersensitive to her man’s past of playing the field, Laura tried to keep her man in constant check, letting him know at all times she would not accept any sort of philandering. His reaction was immediate instant confirmation that it’s better to love ‘em and move on. This is an unfortunate example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The first step in keeping a non-commitment type is to date him with the confidence that he’s all yours, even if you’re afraid he might not be. He will feel a kind of freedom he’s never felt before and feel comfortable with the knowledge that she’s not trying to turn him into something other than what he is. And during the time he spends free from anticipation of whatever it is he’s so scared of, he is emotionally available to enjoy the benefits of a long term, monogamous relationship.

But there’s more to it than that. There’s something else that he’s worried about or protecting himself from. It may take a little time to identify why it is that he feels he is better off a playboy, when the truth is that he probably is not. There are a few reasons why many men follow this kind of lifestyle, and putting his fears to rest will help him commit. Here are some examples:

• He was burned in the past. This is more common than you think; which is why this may even sound trite. But when men put a large part of their heart out on a limb, and then ended up crushed, he may not want to put himself in that position again. There are a few ways to try to get him to see that you are not the one that is going to hurt him – Tell him – If he ever mentions the ex-girlfriend incident, let him talk it out. Ask him questions, and don’t criticize him. Don’t criticize her either, but let him know where you agree with him.

• Another common reason men tend to play the field is the fear of the relationship quickly falling into a rut. They love the beginnings of a relationship just as we all do. The chase, the catch, the nervousness and the giggles; but when the relationship starts to plateau, he is looking for that thrill again. And the way he gets it? Hanging out with other prospects. The solution to this dilemma is straightforward. Keep the relationship fresh and you will both be beyond satisfied. Start by keeping some space and time between you. Hanging out with each other every moment of the day and night might make sense at the pinnacle of your affection for each other, but too much of a good thing can easily turn the tables. A little time apart will definitely help the heart grow fonder. Keep things exciting by taking the time to plan dates that aren’t the norm, something new to you one day, and then something new to him the next. Try something with a little adventure to it to keep his heart at a higher rate when he’s with you, a trip to the closest adventure theme park or a moving play is always a winner.

• He could be a proponent of the bettering principle: A person who likes what they have, but is always trying to get something better. For a man who believes that there’s always something better, life is really a constant struggle. They change jobs quickly, they are quick to change their minds for fear of losing out on the right thing, and frequently end up losing a good thing. Ugh. If that’s the guy, um… trust me, he’s going through more suffering than you ever will over him. If he doesn’t think you’re the best, then move on, and move on quickly so you don’t have to be bothered wasting your time.

Finding out why he is not able to settle into a quality relationship may be harder than attributing the problem to a commonality. It may be just part of who he is, or a part of his past that he is not willing to talk about. Either way, the only thing you can do is try to understand more about him before you act. Listen to how he talks about people around him, and in his life. How does he handle any kind of permanency, like jobs, or homes? Just by understanding the problem, a solution can present itself in an obvious way. And the solution itself may just be your understanding. He may feel that he hasn’t met someone who has taken the time to understand who he is as an individual, and that she is just with her next boyfriend. Let him know you are taking time to understand who is he and he will not be looking any further.

With a man who fears commitment, the worst thing you can do is try to force intimacy onto him. Asking him if he loves you, constantly inquiring about who he’s hanging out with and making him feel guilty if he didn’t call you etc. will instantly set his sensitive alarms off. Enjoy living for yourself first and he won’t be worried that you’re a woman who depends on him for her social and emotional existence.

It’s wise to take time before becoming intimate with someone who has a reputation for playing the field, after all, there’s a reason for that reputation. Not only has he probably been intimate with a number of women, but he may not place the same value on intimacy as you do. Having sex too early on may bring you emotionally closer to him, but he may see the relationship as more sexual and less romantic.

Keep in mind that not every player can be tamed and know that just because you want him, doesn’t mean it will work. With a veteran player, he really may not be able or willing to change. And if that’s the case, it’s probably in your best interest to move on – and quickly before you become too emotionally involved with someone who is unable to reciprocate.

Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 11:55 PM BST

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Researchers examined data from a survey of 2,360 Czech women of all ages, and found that foreplay has little or no significance when it comes to the likelihood of having an orgasm.

The study, which looked at data concerning orgasmic consistency with a partner, estimated duration of foreplay and intercourse was reported in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, where the academics found that for the women involved in the study, the average duration of foreplay was 15.4 minutes, followed by 16.2 minutes of intercourse.

They concluded that the links with foreplay were insignificant, and instead they suggest that the longer intercourse lasts, the greater the probability of orgasm for the women.

Authors, Professor Stuart Brody of the University of the West of Scotland and Professor Peter Weiss, from Charles University, Prague, said:

In contrast to the assumptions of many sex therapists and educators, more attention should be given to improve the quality and duration of intercourse rather than foreplay.

The researchers also note that 16.2 minutes is a considerably longer duration than that reported in recent American studies, where intercourse was found to last on average seven minutes, and they added:

It could be that this reflects, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans.

These findings suggest that sex therapists, who emphasise the value of foreplay, may have that been getting it wrong.

Professor Brody summed up:

This was a large number of women and the results are robust; Sex therapists and educators put the overwhelming emphasis on foreplay, but they need to be guided by the evidence which shows that it is not the case.

Intercourse is significantly more important. Our findings should lead researchers, educators, and clinicians to reconsider the contributions of foreplay and intercourse.

Posted by Jonathan as Psychology, Sociology at 12:36 AM BST

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If you plan on seducing a man to have all for your very own, first you’ve got to find one worthy of your time, attention and seduction skills. If you already have someone in your sights, then consider yourself lucky. If there’s no one on your mind right now, it’s going to take more than just luck.

Fortunately, it’s not as hard as you think; it just comes down to playing the numbers game – meet as many people as you can in 30 days and your prospects are much higher than if you continue as is. We’ve all heard the same advice before, and frankly it’s just not getting anyone anywhere. But, take a new spin on the old advice and you’ll find yourself with plenty of choice.

Old advice: The Library – Oh please; it’s quiet, it’s stale and the only person you’re ever going to meet there is a Librarian.

Better advice: Hey, now there’s an idea, go for the Librarian. Employees in any people related service job are just waiting for you to walk over and talk to them. Wherever you go, Bookstore, Bike shop, Coffee shop, there’s bound to be plenty of helpful, knowledgeable men who are easy to talk to because you always have an excuse. Furthermore, you have a good chance of repeated contact with this man because you have an excuse to frequent his store. And it’s repeated exposure that increases a person’s chances of getting a date with the one she wants. Go shopping this week, and bring a really big basket – who knows what you’ll find.

Old Advice: Bars – Only if you want to spend your Saturday nights watching your man on the couch with a beer in his hand, while you bring him chips and dips.

Better advice: Take a bartending class. They’re choc full of better than average looking young men with great confidence and social skills. Repeated exposure, close contact, and the excitement of learning something new will definitely give you a great chance of meeting someone you like who you’ll instantly have something in common with. And, if you don’t meet him there, getting a job as a female bartender will get you more dates than ever.

Old Advice: The Supermarket – Oh c’mon. Cooking class? Maybe if you want to meet a woman or a gay man.

Better Advice: Restaurant managers, Owners and Chefs are great catches. Go to one new restaurant every week for 6 – 8 weeks and ask to meet the Manager so you can compliment him, the Chef or the Waiter. They’ll want to know your name, and they will remember you next time you come in. An Owner takes pride in his restaurant and will appreciate a lovely woman’s compliment of his establishment. You both live in the same neighbourhood, you both love food and you can see him as often as you like. He’ll be giving you special treatment from day one.

Old Advice: On the Job – Well, maybe no one really advises that in particular, but it happens more and more often. If you’re really serious about your job, this may not be the best bet.

Better Advice: A part time job anywhere in the service industry (Retail, Restaurants etc.) or anywhere else where there are loads of people will introduce you to hundreds of men that are either your co-workers or friendly neighbourhood men who need your assistance. Besides, with the extra money, you can treat yourself to an irresistible outfit.

Other places: Personal finance classes, conventions, vacations, exercise classes, music festivals and your friend’s parties.

Whatever you do, just make your mind up to get out there and meet more people. Take a different route home, accept invitations to everything during a designated month, find new interests and new people will follow – There are loads of ways to get more people into your life, but the most important thing is that you make sure you do it. Playing the numbers game works, and when you meet that special guy, you’ll think to yourself “what if I hadn’t done <whatever you tried>, I would never have met him.”

Posted by Rosie as Philosophy at 12:26 AM BST

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We have regularly pointed out that claims made by Body language aficionados are about as reliable as those made by Astrologers; and slightly less use than urban myths such as “men with big feet make good lovers” or “you should never trust left handed people and people whose eyebrows meet in the middle.”

However, browsing through the book Undercover Sex Signals by Leil Lowndes, we discover that women apparently have a secret signalling system to get men to talk to them. Then, as is usual with pseudo-scientific subjects, it’s revealed that nobody was ever aware of this arrangement (including the women) until the product you just bought was put together.

Here’s a very informative example from the book, which I found quite entertaining:

If you see a woman across the room looking at you and not smiling, you might not think she wants you to approach. But if you take careful note of her hands, you may see she is running a finger around her wineglass. It is not out of boredom. She might even be imagining that she is caressing you.

In this picture [of a girl holding a drink], Jade has chosen to caress her glass with her pointing finger, figuring that her middle finger or ring finger would be just too obvious.

Anyway, the book essentially lists gestures which Ms. Lowndes suggests that a woman will use to show that she is interested in a man. Naturally, all of these signals are so broad and vague that one might as well interpret anything except the woman screaming “Get away from me or I’ll call the Police” as a sign of interest.

Just for fun, here’s a list of some of the key points the author lists as body language signs of interest; and as an added bonus, we’ve reinterpreted the signals to tell you what they really mean.

Posted by Jonathan as Art & Literature, humour at 7:12 PM BST

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Overweight and obese women have more sex than skinny types, according to a recent study.

Researchers in the US found that women who were overweight were more likely to report having sexual intercourse with a man, even when researchers controlled for age, race and type of residence.

The study was conducted by researchers at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, University of Hawaii, and other research centres in the US; and is published in the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology.

This analysis was based on data from more than 7,000 women collected in the 2002 US National Survey of Family Growth, which interviewed a nationally representative cross section of women aged 15 to 44 years, regardless of reproductive health status.

The researchers looked at the links between body mass index, sexual orientation, age at first intercourse, ever having had sex with a male partner, number of partners and frequency of intercourse.

The participant’s sexual behaviour was categorized by body mass index (BMI) groups: Normal (under 25 kg/m²), overweight (25 to 30 kg/m²) and obese (over 30 kg/m²).

Lead author, Dr Bliss Kaneshiro, an assistant professor at the University of Hawaii first presented the results of this study at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) 56th Annual Clinical Meeting in May this year, where she won first prize for the paper.

The results of the analysis were that:

• 92 percent of overweight women reported ever having had sexual intercourse with a male partner compared with 87 percent of women of normal BMI.
• This figure was unaffected by adjustments for age and type of residence.
• Overweight and obese women were more likely to report ever having had sexual intercourse with a male partner (p <0.001).
• BMI was not significantly linked to sexual orientation, age at first intercourse, frequency of heterosexual intercourse, the number of lifetime or current male partners.

The authors conclude that:

With the exception of ever engaging in sexual intercourse with a man, sexual behavior differs little between women of different body mass indices.

Dr Kaneshiro said:

These results were unexpected and we don’t really know why this is the case.

The researchers suspect that an existing stereotype of overweight women not engaging in frequent sexual activity could mean that overweight women get different messages from their Doctors, regarding pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease prevention, and that this may account for the variance in sexual behaviour.

Evidence for the hypothesis comes from other studies, which have suggested that women of higher BMI are at greater risk of unwanted pregnancy than women of normal BMI, and that although factors like use and effectiveness of contraception may play a part, the results could be explained by sexual behaviour.

Dr Kaneshiro summed up:

This study indicates that all women deserve diligence in counseling on unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease prevention, regardless of body mass index.

Posted by Jonathan as Anthropology, Sociology at 12:32 AM BST

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New research shows men are better at detecting infidelities than women; although they’re also more likely to suspect cheating that doesn’t exist.

A US study of heterosexual couples has found that men are the more suspicious of the sexes when it comes to straying, but the flip side is that to counter this constant vigilance, women may be better than men at concealing illicit liaisons.

Researchers at Virginia Commonwealth University in Richmond gave confidential questionnaires to 203 young couples, asking them whether they had ever strayed, and whether they suspected or knew their partner had strayed.

The results, published in New Scientist magazine, showed 29 percent of men admitted they had cheated, compared with 18.5 percent of women.

Lead researcher Dr Paul Andrews said the men were better at judging fidelity than women:

Eighty percent of women’s inferences about fidelity or infidelity were correct, but men were even better, accurate 94 percent of the time.

Men were also more likely to catch out a cheating partner, detecting 75 percent of the reported infidelities compared with 41 percent discovered by women. However, men were also more likely to suspect infidelity when there was none.

Dr Andrews said this made evolutionary sense, because unlike women, men can never be certain that a baby is theirs:

Men have far more at stake. When a female partner is unfaithful, a man may himself lose the opportunity to reproduce, and find himself investing his resources in raising the offspring of another man.

David Buss, at the University of Texas, Austin, commented:

This adds to the evidence that men have evolved defences to detect their partner’s infidelity

Adding that it demonstrates a:

…fascinating cognitive bias that leads men to err on the side of caution by overestimating a partner’s infidelity.

However, Australian Sex therapist Dr Rosie King said that she believed men had heightened suspicions simply because they were the bigger cheaters and were more aware of the temptations.

They’re getting very busy seeking outside sexual activity so they’re more likely to suspect their partner is doing the same.

She pointed out that Australian research had found men were not naturally intuitive, making it “doubtful” that they could detect infidelity in women. Dr King went on to state:

Men are not good at reading body language or picking up non-verbal cues in the way that women are.

Posted by Jonathan as Anthropology, Sociobiology at 12:19 AM BST

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Teenagers who watch a lot of television featuring flirting, necking, discussion of sex and sex scenes are more likely to be involved with a pregnancy, according to a new study.

The study, published in the November edition of the journal Pediatrics, found that teens who viewed the most sexual content on TV were about twice as likely to get pregnant, or cause a pregnancy, compared to those who saw the least.

Lead author, Anita Chandra, a behavioural scientist at non-profit non-partisan research organization, RAND Corporation said:

Adolescents receive a considerable amount of information about sex through television and that programming typically does not highlight the risks and responsibilities of sex,

Our findings suggest that television may play a significant role in the high rates of teenage pregnancy in the United States.

Researchers from RAND Health claim that exposure to sex on television may influence teen pregnancy by creating the perception that there is little risk to engaging in sex without using contraceptives and accelerating the initiation of sexual intercourse.

There is rising concern about teen pregnancy rates, which after decades of decline may have started creeping up again, fuelling an intense debate about what factors are to blame. And, although TV viewing is unlikely to entirely explain the increase in teen pregnancies, Chandra and others said, the study provides the first direct evidence that it could be playing a significant role.

Chandra and her colleagues surveyed more than 2,000 adolescents three times by telephone from 2001 to 2004; in order to gather information about a variety of behavioural and demographic factors, including television viewing habits. Then, based on a detailed analysis of the sexual content of 23 shows popular among teens in the 2000-2001 TV season, the researchers calculated how often the teens saw characters kissing, touching, having sex, and discussing past or future sexual activity.

Among the shows the teens watched were “Sex and the City,” “Friends” and “That ’70s Show.” Chandra wouldn’t identify the others, but stressed that they included dramas, comedies, reality shows and even animated programmes on broadcast and cable networks.

Amongst the 718 youths who reported being sexually active during the study, the likelihood of getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant increased steadily with the amount of sexual content they watched on TV, the researchers found. About 25 percent of those who watched the most were involved in a pregnancy, compared with about 12 percent of those who watched the least. The researchers also took into account other factors such as intelligence, having only one parent, wanting to have a baby and engaging in other risky behaviours.

There were more pregnancies among the oldest teens interviewed, but the rate of pregnancy remained consistent across all age groups among those who watched the racy programs. Fifty eight girls reported getting pregnant and thirty three boys reported being responsible for getting a girl pregnant during the study period. The increased risk emerged regardless of whether teens watched only one or two shows that were explicit or surfed many shows that had occasional sexual content, Chandra noted.

Chandra Continued:

It could be a child wasn’t watching that much TV per week but was watching shows that got a pretty high rating on sexual content, or it could be a kid who was watching a lot of hours but on average was getting just moderate amounts of sexual content from each show.

The researchers recommended that parents spend more time monitoring what their children watch and discussing what they see, including pointing out the possible negative consequences of early sexual activity. Programmers should also include more-realistic portrayals of the risks of sex, such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

However, according to Elizabeth Schroeder, Executive Director of Answer, a teen sex education program based at Rutgers University, the study doesn’t adequately address other issues, such as self-esteem, family values and income – saying:

The media does have an impact, but we don’t know the full extent of it because there are so many other factors

Other experts questioned whether the study had established a causal relationship, and Laura Lindberg of the Guttmacher Institute commented:

It may be the kids who have an interest in sex watch shows with sexual content. I’m concerned this makes it seem like if we just shut off the TV we’d dramatically reduce the teen pregnancy rate.

Chandra acknowledged that other factors might play a role but said the findings were compelling because the researchers were able to track the teens over time and found such a striking relationship, saying:

The magnitude of the association we did see was very strong

Posted by Jonathan as Biology, Sociology at 11:14 PM BST

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A recent survey has shown that Essex girls are having up to three times more unprotected sex than women from anywhere else in the UK.

The stereotypical reputation for Essex girls to be promiscuous, blonde and lacking in intelligence may have some truth to it, according to new figures.

A massive 2,200 women from Southend, Rochford and Castle needed emergency morning-after pills, after failing to practice safe sex in a single 12 month period – almost three times the national average of 850 visits. They were also given contraception advice and free condoms from health clinics run by South East Essex Primary Care Trust.

The problem lies in the fact that these morning-after pills do not protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) – and council chiefs in the region are warning that these young people are putting their lives at risk.

Mark Flewitt, from Southend-on-Sea Borough Council, who is responsible for adult social services, said:

We need to de-stigmatise the whole issue surrounding sexual health and get people talking about it.

Posted by Jonathan as Sociology at 11:36 PM BST

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The majority of women who experience low libido, poor arousal or face difficulties in achieving orgasm, don’t seem to be upset by these issues.

These findings are based on one of the largest ever studies of its kind, which probed 32,000 women aged between 18 and 100 plus years across America, regarding distress bearing on sex life, including anger, guilt, frustration and worry.

Jan Shifren, Associate professor of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at Harvard Medical School, who led the study, said:

Sexual problems are common in women, but problems associated with personal distress, those which are truly bothersome and affect a woman’s quality of life, are much less frequent.

Although women over 65 years faced most sexual problems, they also reported the lowest levels of distress. The most distressed were women aged 45 to 64.

Shifren added:

Although sexual problems were very common in women over age 65, these problems often weren’t associated with distress.

Several factors could be behind the lower levels of distress in the oldest group. If their partners also have low desire, it may not be looked on as a problem, or additional health issues could be of greater concern.

The youngest group, those aged between 18 and 44 years, had lower levels of both problems and distress. Depressed women were more than twice as likely to report distress over any kind of sexual problem rather than non-depressed women.

About 43% of respondents experienced some degree of sexual problem, with 39% reporting low desire, 26% problems with arousal and 21% difficulties with orgasm. But distress bearing on any of these problems was restricted to only 12% of those surveyed.

Posted by Jonathan as Psychology, Sociology at 1:00 AM BST

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A lot of people arrive here using keywords about the size of various body parts, and now we’re curious… Do people believe the myriad of claims made in the adverts for ’solutions’ purporting to make appendages bigger?

So, here’s another of our semi-regular polls.

Posted by Jonathan as Polls & Surveys at 1:00 AM BST

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