Unless a woman has decided to be very proactive, and starts actively approaching men, then she’s probably going to be relying on trying to being pretty, in order to attract men to her. Thus, if a woman is fat, or semi-fat, this is going to be more somewhat more difficult for her.

Fat people tend to fall into one of four categories. So, here are some tips for each type.

The Fearful Fat Person

Fear is the biggest cause of fatness in the world today. Fear has caused people by the hundreds of thousands to stop living and start eating.

When a Fearful fat person was growing up, she took that ridiculous adage ‘better safe than sorry’ and implanted it in her heart, where it grew and festered and turned her blood weak, her brain watery and her stomach bloated. Instead of actually living, which entails too many petrifying risks, a Fearful fat person eats a cream bun. Food is the only kind of adventure she permits herself, and it’s not pleasant to observe the lengths she will go to avoid any bigger challenge than consuming a Pepperoni pizza and strawberry milkshake, on an empty stomach.

Principal characteristics of the Fearful fat person:

• She’s taken out plenty of life insurance.
• She actually likes hors d’oeuvres and will, when arriving at a party, station herself next to the buffet table; where the constant consumption of chicken livers wrapped in bacon gives her a devil-may-care feeling and enables her to avoid talking to anyone.
• She hates her job. But she’s afraid to leave, because then she won’t the have money for all those life insurance premiums.
• When the Tea lady rings the bell at her office, the Fearful fat person goes running. She bites into a glutinous apple turnover and feels extremely secure – at one with the universe.
• She thinks it’s fine to come home after work and have several martinis and a box of chocolates in front of the TeeVee.
• She reads self-help books and listens to her elders.
• She has sporadic fits of self-loathing that prompt her to go on crazy crash diets, in which she is only allowed to eat pineapple. She doesn’t understand why these never work.
• She and her friends often get together to discuss the meals they’ve had recently.

Many a Fearful fat person used to be a normal person, but a life trauma of some sort, perhaps a painful love affair, has caused her to withdraw from the slings-and-arrows of daily living. However, everyone has the potential to change their life drastically, and should keep doing so until they get it right.

If you’re a Fearful fat person, you should probably leave home. If you won’t leave home, leave your job. If you won’t leave your job, leave your partner. Somewhere, some way, somehow, you have to start talking risks again. You’re going to die eventually anyway, at which point you’ll be as safe as houses.

The Angry Fat Person

The Angry fat person never got enough breast milk as a baby, and her unconscious is still furious about it.

“Fuck everyone, I’ll show them,” the Angry fat person thinks way down deep inside herself. “I’ll eat as much as I want, whenever I want, whatever I want, and no one can stop me!” The fact that no one has tried to stop her for 20 years doesn’t occur to her.

Since not getting enough to eat was the Angry fat person’s first experience, she translates any and all anger-provoking situations into food-depravation trauma. If she has a fight with her boss, she consumes a kilo of pasta to get back at him.

She also feels that she must reward herself when she’s been good, since none of those other bastards will. Sometimes she’s so good she consumes an entire chocolate cake.

Distinguishing characteristics of the Angry fat person:

• Instead of yelling at anyone, she eats.
• She’s positive that her life is tougher than anyone else’s.
• She’s still not speaking to her mother.
• She trusts no one, and cannot refrain from hiding food in the most unlikely places. There are macaroons in her filing cabinet, jars of chocolate spread in her underwear draw and meringues in her bathroom cabinet.
• She eats like a bird in public, then rushes home to hit the bathroom cabinet.
• She spends a lot of time in bed – the combination of unexpressed anger and constant sugar overdose keeps her in a state of chronic clinical depression.

If you suspect that you’re an Angry fat person, you have to practise expressing your fury, instead of eating it away. Every time you have the urge for a jam doughnut, take a hammer and smash the shit out of any pillows that happen to be around while you shout “Take that, you bastard!” Cry and scream at every available opportunity. Lie down on the floor and kick your feet and flail your arms and hold your breath until you think you may be turning blue. You’ll feel like a terrific fool, but you’ll start losing weight.

You may also want to equip yourself with a nice king-size baby bottle to suck at random moments. This will really tone up your jaw muscles (a great sexual asset). But do leave the bottle at home before going to any job interviews.

The Man-hating Fat Person

She’s frightened of sex and men, but won’t admit it. So she gets fat, figuring that the rolls of flesh falling from her thighs will keep those terrifying male creatures at bay.

The Man-hating fat person’s predominant characteristic is excessive bitterness. Some become radical feminists for all the wrong reasons. Then they stage fights with their sisters and retreat to the nearest delicatessen. Some become lesbians for all the wrong reasons and pick vicious fights with their lovers.

If you are a Man-hating fat person, you must delve deep into your psyche and try to figure out when it was that you first started despising men. Was it when your father threw you out the window? When your cousin Jack took off all your clothes and locked you in the cupboard? Then teach yourself, slowly but surely, to realise that all men won’t throw you out the window or lock you in a cupboard. Some of them will take you to the theatre instead.

The Bona Fide Fat Person

Some people are supposed to be fat, and that’s that. A Bona fide fat person is completely content with her lot. You can recognise her by the following characteristics:

• She wouldn’t give up asparagus with hollandaise sauce or chocolate mousse for anyone or anything.
• She’s a great dancer.
• She wears stylish sometimes almost flamboyant clothes and has no self-consciousness about her looks.
  • She never wears frills or puffy sleeves, because she knows that on a fat person they just look apologetic.
• She gets laid as often as any of us.
• Although she has a sharp sense of humour, she won’t make self-depreciating jokes.
• She likes to drink, and is appalled by the idea of stopping.
• Her self-confidence verges on the arrogant.
• The idea of exercise fills her with horror and dread. Exercise, she believes, is fine for the lower classes, but walking to the Newsagent to buy a paper is fine for the likes of her.
• Big is better than boring, she figures.

The interesting thing about the Bona fide fat person is that people hardly ever notice. Most fat people walk around wearing a hangdog expression, awful clothes, and refuse to dance at parties. Then, since some people are notoriously fond of feeling superior to anybody they can, an insecure fat person is a prime target for nasty jokes and malignant condescension. But a Bona fide fat person has no notion, won’t even tolerate the idea, that there’s anything wrong with her, which makes it impossible for people to patronize her.

Bona fide fat people are rare and refreshing. The only problem they face is becoming too fat, which will kill them.

Do you recognise yourself in any of the above? All of the above? Possibly not and possibly like 88 out of 100 women, you think you’re fat just to give yourself troubles.

Here’s how to tell if you’re fat or simply letting your girlish high spirits go mental on you. Take a walk down your local High Street. Make sure there are plenty of plate-glass windows in the vicinity. Stroll along, thinking of this and that, and then, when you’re least expecting it, shoot a quick glance in a particularly shiny window. Look away quickly and form a mental picture of what you saw. Are there any blimps in that mental picture? If so, are any of the blimps wearing a dress like yours?

Now, if you find that you’re still not happy with your size, you need to know that most diets don’t work, and are a waste of money. The only other answer is healthy eating and regular exercise.

Be Sociable, Share!

• 

You might also enjoy reading:-

• Smile, and the Whole World Ignores You
• A classic literary seduction
• A simple way to meet girls (or boys)
• Skip breakfast and have sex earlier
• Avoiding cockblocking

Posted by Jonathan in Philosophy, Psychology

No Comments »