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1. Oral sex does not mean talking dirty to each other.
2. A condom is not needed if you’re doing it alone.
3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.
4. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying ‘NO’.
5. So that it’s not a crime, mutual consent is necessary.
6. Abstinence is not a kinky position.
7. Speed is not a virtue.
8. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.
9. If she says “doggy style”, then DO NOT nip down to the local RSPCA.
10. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
11. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that’s a pawn shop.
12. If your wife tells you sex is a “pain in the ass” turn her over.
13. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch, while you use both hands.
14. Karma Sutra is not a martial art; therefore don’t tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.
15. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.
16. If she says she’s a virgin, that doesn’t mean she’s from a state in the southern USA.
17. If you’re going to call out a name, make sure it’s the right one.
18. Choking the chicken is not something done at farms. And spanking the monkey is not something done at zoos.
19. You don’t need a passport to French kiss.
20. If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask, this doesn’t mean that it’s Halloween.
21. Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.
22. Spermicide is not made by Raid.
23. The clap doesn’t mean she is applauding your performance.
24. If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, that doesn’t mean you have to buy a Berlitz guide and learn the language.
25. “Faster, Harder, Deeper” is not the motto of the Olympics.
26. A Fallopian tube is not part of a Television set.
27. Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.
28. A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.
29. If it doesn’t make you smile: YOU AIN’T DOIN’ IT RIGHT!
30. When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don’t say you want to check your e-mail first.
The rules of “YES” & “NO”
We’ve all been there - both guys and girls - So here’s a quick guide to help you out:
1. If you ask a girl to have sex and she says “definitely not“, she really means “NO“.
2. If she says “NO“, then you have to do better, and then maybe… But make sure you ask again before going too far, and then go back to point #1 and start again.
3. If she says “MAYBE“, she means “YES“; but you have to really encourage her along the way. Don’t do anything stupid such as rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the “MAYBE” to a DEFINITE “NO“, which neither of you want.
4. If she says “YES“, she’s probably not worth it.
Posted by Jonathan in Humour