One of the biggest controversies still raging in the area of the first kiss is whether or not one should ask permission first.
The pro-permissioners’ point is easy to grasp: According to them, asking a girl for permission is to treat her as a civilized human being, to give her an opportunity to say what she actually thinks. There are no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’, or attempts to decipher vague and misleading phrases of body language; the man gets an absolutely bell-clear answer. In addition, the permissioners argue, coming boldly out with the question, without a trace of a quiver in your voice, helps the girl feel confident about you. You appear calm, self-assured, in control, and this all helps her relax and succumb.
The doers, however, say that this is a technique for wusses: These born-again Hemingways believe in action, not words. They handle passes, and sex in general, the way that Hemingway handled words, keeping it all short and to the point. They act on gut feeling; they look the girl in the eyes, then try and plant one on her lips! Asking permission, they say, is to hold up a placard saying. “I’m too nervous to do it, please say it’s okay”; and they equate nerves with bad breath and dandruff, as pollutants to sexual chemistry.
However, a middle way does exist: The doers do have a point, wimpishness and nerves can be great destroyers of sexual advance (unless the girl is a mothering type). However, well-controlled nerves and the right sort of questions can be very effective.
Asking over-politely, or over-confidently on the other hand, either appears wimpish or plain rude. A confident question makes it sound like you’re expecting a ‘Yes’, and have been all along! or even worse, that you believe that she says ‘Yes’ all the time! - It deprives her of her mystery (and girls like mystery) - But, a Polite question makes it sound like the right to taste her lips is no more special than the right to ask for the salt at the dinner table.
The kiss itself seems to be the acid test of whether she wants you or not. But it’s wrong to think of “the first kiss” in the singular - it never hurts to be too cautious - remember how much it hurts to be rejected. What some seducers will do is try and break up the first kiss so that by the time lip-to-lip contact is about to be made, smaller-scale kisses in more neutral spots have already been delivered and accepted. In other words, they nuzzle a bit before a major pass, but this isn’t wet nuzzling in the sense of soppy and wimpish - it’s cool calculated, sophisticated nuzzling.
This is really quite easy once your arms are linked, or your arm is across her shoulders. As you walk you’ve been occasionally pulling her a little closer, testing the degree of her inertia, and then letting her out again. If it’s all going well on the next pull-in you can try whispering something in her ear. Don’t make it too romantic or passionate; just keep it mildly humorous, but pleasant. Then do the same again but keeping your face closer to hers, this time resting your cheek on hers, slightly grazing your lips across her cheek as you pull away. Then just keep this up, giving her occasional little grazes. If she isn’t impressed she’ll put a stop to this immediately, and if she doesn’t mind the chances are that she’ll definitely go for the main pass. It’s also worth noting that brushing kisses around the ears and neck can be very provocative to lots of girls, actually getting them as interested in more heavy breathing activity as fast as the lip-to-lip series.
Now, suddenly, you realise it’s time to begin the main kiss. You can see it in her eyes that she’s waiting for you to make a move, and you can also see that she isn’t giving you any more clues - You have to commit yourself - With girls you always have to take some sort of leap into the darkness, no matter how encouraging they are, or how observant you’ve been. The key with kissing is to keep it simple, especially on the first one.
Don’t try and do it too slowly to start off with, licking lips, sucking teeth, concentrating on advanced open-mouth flourishes - Keep these for later. Just make the first kiss a basic, gentle French kiss; Lips touch, tongue enters, slowly waggles around for a bit, then draws away and pauses for a moment. You can then catch your breath and prepare to plunge in seriously.
The symbolic offer and acceptance is over, and the worst mistake you could make there is to blast away at the first kiss too passionately, since this can be far too intimidating. Remember you’re putting your tongue into a complete stranger’s mouth; you need to do it slowly and politely. If she jumps on you when you do it, then of course it’s okay to respond, but as long as you’re leading, start slowly.
Then, however, another issue comes up. Should you kiss with eyes open or closed? On films, of course, all lovers have their eyes shut the moment the lips touch, the girls often for longer. Now for girls this isn’t a problem, they are essentially having all this done to them, and being in the passenger seat they don’t need to see what’s going on. For the male, keeping a good bearing is vital, especially as the kissing generally starts late at night, when he’s tired, and in a dark place.
Basically, it’s more stylish to kiss with eyes closed, but many men feel it’s too much of a waste to work that much for something, and then when it finally comes, not to watch it. And of course, that’s not a problem anyway, so long as the girl is keeping her eyes closed. The problem comes if she suddenly opens them in mid-kiss, then, immediately you feel rather silly, as if you’ve been caught out looking. In this instance don’t shut your eyes quickly, this is a complete giveaway and actually makes you look guilty! Instead, sort of melt your expression, as if overcome by emotion, and cuddle her tighter. Often the girl will then shut her eyes again.
Shutting eyes does have certain very distinct advantages, one in particular pointed out by many girls, is that you can pretend it’s someone else much more easily.
Your kiss should suggest what’s going to come later - it should be soft and moist, with elements of hard and precise mixed in. You’ve got to show that you can be gentle, and that you can dominate too. The girl doesn’t want to show you how she does it, she wants to lay back and let you do it. She wants to see what your like, and then decide:
- If you’re any good at it.
- What role to play herself (innocent virgin, experienced older woman, etc.)
A lot of girls will wait until that first kiss to decide whether they’re going to sleep with a man or not. This isn’t because they can’t make up their mind from the way he looks, talks and acts, it’s the same procedure with men that they really like. Somehow, the way a man does the first kiss can either be so good or so off-putting. And, if the kissing is really that bad, then no matter what you look like, she’ll just be completely turned off.
The kiss is therefore to relax the girl, to soothe her doubts, and to set the scene. It mustn’t be jerky, it must flow, and the man mustn’t give the girl time to think. If he does the same thing repeatedly, she will get bored, her mind will wander, and she’ll suddenly seize up. Finally, as if all that wasn’t complicated enough, it’s important that he uses his hands at the same time.
If you’re not sure whether you can touch her boobs this early, then use your hands on the back of the girl’s neck, her hair and her face. This will actually give the girl lots of confidence, since if you leave your arms dangling by your side because your not sure what you’ll be allowed to do yet, she’ll start wondering what you’re up to, where your hands actually are, and whether they’re suddenly going to appear between her legs at any moment. Use your hands on her shoulders and back, but be careful not to do it too hard on her back, otherwise you’ll pull her blouse or top up from her skirt or trousers, and she’ll think you’re trying to undress her.
Posted by Jonathan in Psychology, Sociology