Romance novels and soft core porn movies have a lot to answer for; because although the ideas they portray are wonderful in theory, they lose a lot in practical application.

Anyone who has tried emulating ideas such as sex on the beach will tell you that sand literally gets everywhere. And, whilst the idea of sex on a big thick rug in front of an open fire sounds terribly romantic, the practise is vastly overrated, since you fry after about ten minutes, and then whenever you attempt moving away, you start getting cold.

However, the shower is a much better option; it’s great for both sex and masturbation, but like all water-based sexual activity, it comes with some very real problems; the first being the lack of friction.

Like so much in life, you don’t realise how important something is, until you don’t have it any more. So, if you take two wet soapy bodies, and then try and make them hold onto each other for some serious making out or sex; you could rapidly end up in the casualty department unless you’re careful, because everything slides about so much.

This is very pleasant when, for example, it’s a breast in a hand (rather like playing find the soap,) but when it’s a case of a foot on tiles, or both arms round a waist for support, it gets pretty aggravating.

Therefore, if you decide to try full sex in the shower, make sure you leave out the soap and shampoo.

The next difficulty about sex in the shower is that it has to be done standing up; and the problem with standing up is that unless you’re both perfectly matched heights, the man has to hold the woman around his waist. This is tough enough on a carpet, whilst on a wet shower floor it’s very near impossible.

Another thing about sex in the shower is that you get cold if you don’t get enough of the shower. There’s little worse than a lovely warm feeling of water all over your body, and then long bouts of standing un-splashed in a bathroom draught.

So, don’t even think about sex in the shower if your “shower” is one of those hand-held doodahs with a metal tube from the taps. One of you will always be cold, while the other will have to hold their hand in the air.

Therefore, the best option may well be for you both to have a good play in the shower beforehand, and then go somewhere else to finish off. If you’re just making foreplay under water, you don’t have to worry about the grip, soap or friction. And even then, hand-held showers can be fun, since you don’t have all the complicated sexual mechanics to deal with.

Getting into showers with clothes on is an enormous turn on too, but the drawback is that you have to do something with them when your finished, and it’s extremely hard to get up for this sort of activity when you’ve just been hit by the post-orgasmic blues.

Washing each other can be great fun too, as well as very hygienic, but it might end up being a little revealing, if for example, you have an incipient bald patch that you’ve managed to keep pretty well hidden, thus far into your relationship. But then, this type of secret almost always comes out in the wash.

Also, don’t forget you’re on a strict time-limit. After about twenty minutes, wrinkles and blotches will start to appear, at a rate directly proportional to the fading eroticism.

You might also consider sex in the bath; the only real drawback here is that baths are almost always too small, unless your lucky enough to have a small swimming pool, or one of those gigantic free-standing baths that you could fit a football team into; in which case you are problem free, you can thrash about with abandon, and choose a horizontal position, which makes everything so much easier.

With normal-size baths however, one of you will always have to have the end with the taps, or else attempt to try and squeeze between the other’s legs. In this situation, you’ll find yourself wishing that you were alone after a few minutes, and chances are that generally after a few minutes more, you’ll end up rowing, and then you really will be alone.

What seems to be much more effective is for one person to sit in the bath and the other to kneel besides it, helping relax with their hands. After you’ve both had a turn in the water the sexual tingle will be so great that you’ll be rushing to find a big warm fluffy towel to wrap the two of you up together, quickly followed by a search for condoms.

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Posted by Jonathan in Biology, Sociology

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