When I think of Japan, a number of unusual images come to mind: dubious whaling practises, a people obsessed with gadgetry and comics, who wear unusually cut clothes, and even surgical masks while in the streets, etc.

Similarly, self-proclaimed seduction experts, with their over-hyped claims, are an even more bizarre and often mind bogglingly wacky group of people; generating pseudo-scientific ideas about how to meet and shag women, and then attempting to sell their theories to more gullible, lonely members of the public. I suspect that these people and their notions are more use in helping people with too much spare cash fit their wallets into their pockets, rather than assisting anyone in enjoying a high quality sex life.

But, what if we could merge these two ideas together? The result would undoubtedly be a weirder, crazier outcome than most people could possibly imagine… And yet, that’s precisely what Wired magazine reports has happened in Tokyo, where apparently something called Nanpa (the act of picking up women) has become rather popular; with the opening of “at least half a dozen Nanpa schools“.

The founder, a gentleman by the name of Satoshi Fujita, a 48 year old balding Magician, has clearly learned a thing or two from the “Your life experiences are worth more than a postgraduate education” fake degree mills (favoured by charlatans such as John Gray), since he is asserting that he has invented a proprietary “science” based on “a decade of careful research.” This in turn has purportedly allowed him to become “Japan’s most sought-after dating coach for geeks.”

By Mr Fujita’s own claim (and with a charge of ¥30,000 each), he says that he teaches more than a hundred geeks per month; who predictably have very little interaction with women, except through online porn; and not enough intelligence to realise that having real life sex means meeting real life people first of all.

Perhaps, dear reader, you think I’m being harsh on the Director of “The Pickup School for Men Who Can’t Get Any” [it really does have that name], after all, it provides a (somewhat overpriced) service to socially inept people. So, let’s look at some of the students that were mentioned. After all, I would expect that Mr Fujita would spotlight the achievements of his star pupils, who in turn, will demonstrate the efficacy of his new “science”.

Firstly, we have the splendidly named Hachioji Robocop, a 27 year old Civil servant, who has been taking the course since 2004. Mr Robocop has had sex five times in the past three years, and it only took six months worth of lessons for him to lose his virginity.

Details of the other trainee’s successes are sketchy, but there’s Jay, a 39 year old Executive at an electronics manufacturer, who was publicly accused of stalking his assistant. Jay also spent ¥2,000,000 to get the Yakuza to go after a girl, before deciding that it wasn’t his best idea. Jay has studied under Satoshi Fujita for three years, too.

Most impressive however is T-Univ Grad, a 22 year old recent hire at a big corporation. Mr Grad has recovered from an early belief that smiling women were conspiring against him, and can now sleep with a woman in just two hours and twenty minutes, by using a magic trick that “makes women horny”. Unfortunately, we aren’t told how long it takes to reach this level of proficiency, or if T-Univ Grad uses a stopwatch.

Analysing the report in more detail, the secrets of their successes seem to depend more on proficiency with Thaumaturgy, rather than any new branch of “science”; since we are told “Women like laughter, compliments and magic tricks” (although I suspect that the students might not be being taught the difference between someone laughing with you, and someone laughing at you.)

So, the “science” part would seem to consist merely of ‘reading signals’ and ‘timing’, which, unless I’m very much mistaken, are both topics that have previously been studied quite adequately by Psychologists and Horologists; on the other hand, a deck of “Psychoanalytic” cards, flaming wallets, talking ferrets and animated algae balls are also listed as props.

Maybe my lack of understanding of Japanese culture is showing here, but I can’t help wondering what these gentlemen do when faced with a beautiful woman, and a lack of magical tricks. Personally, I wouldn’t want to carry a talking ferret about with me throughout my day-to-day life, since I’m certain it’d draw unwarranted comparisons with the antics of footballer, Paul Gascoigne.

Finally, Fujitasan has also had a book published, “Zura Ga Kanojo Ni Bareta Toki” (The Time My Girlfriend Discovered I Was Wearing a Wig), in which he describes how he learned what it feels like to be a women who has just gotten breast implants.

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Posted by Jonathan in Miscellaneous