Leading sex therapists are warning that Britain is facing an explosion of sex addiction, fuelled by the ready availability of pornography via the internet. “Make no mistake, this country is teetering on the edge of an erotic disaster – if the sexual desires of these addicts can’t be met, then we’ll see an explosion of inappropriate public sexual conduct,” warns Dr Roderick Ramploss, Britain’s top expert on sex addiction. ”Trust me, hardcore addicts will go to any lengths to try and satisfy their rampant sexual urges – they’ll resort to robbery, fraud and mugging in order get the funds for their visits to prostitutes and they’ll be ram-raiding newsagents for supplies of top-shelf pornography. The government has to act now if we are to avert a massive increase in such sex-related crimes.” To avoid this nightmare scenario of Britain’s streets overrun by priapic fiends, Ramploss and his colleagues are recommending that pornography and prostitutes be made available on the National Health Service (NHS). “It’s ridiculous that, right now, if I want to prescribe any of my patients the appropriate therapy, it has to be done in expensive private brothels and porn cinemas,” he declares. “Believe me, this is resulting in thousands of sex addicts being denied treatment. As it stands, the best free treatment I can offer NHS patients is whacking off over the lingerie pages of a clothes catalogue.” According to Ramploss, sex addiction can, like other substance abuses, be treated by easing the sufferer off of their dependency in stages. “Just making them go ‘cold turkey’ would be disastrous – the craving behind sex addiction is so powerful that, if deprived of normal sexual activity, sufferers would quite literally masturbate themselves to death. Worse still, they could seek other outlets, sticking their penises into plug sockets and electrocuting themselves, for instance,” he explains. “No, they must be weaned off of their addiction under controlled conditions – their porn intake gradually reduced, and their sexual activity modified by specially trained prostitutes. Before they know it, instead of desiring five times a night hot nympho sluts, they’ll be satisfied with demure housewife types who only do it once a week with the light off. Ultimately, after a few weeks of my treatment regime, even the worst sex addicts will be able satisfy their urges with a twice weekly session with a blow-up sex doll.” Consequently, Ramploss is calling for brothel wards to be set up in every major NHS hospital, staffed by imported prostitutes dressed as nurses. “I know from personal experience that our home grown slappers just aren’t up to the job,” he says. “No stamina, no imagination. What’s needed are highly trained Scandinavian girls or, failing that, some of those big-thighed Slavic girls from Russia.”
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Posted by Jonathan in Humour