Today’s Grauniad has some excerpts from one of the oldest seduction guides around, Ovid’s didactic poem Ars Amatoria (The Art of Love), which was originally published, sometime between 2BC and AD2.

The article points out a number of Roman achievements: straight roads, under-floor heating, excellent sewage systems; but more importantly, they invented romantic love. And, Ovid has left us a detailed, scandalous, hilarious, cynical, explicit yet still user-friendly handbook on how to find it.

So, here’s Ovid’s (really quite simple) three step guide to meeting your ideal partner:

Part I : Get ready - get a makeover

et nihil emineant et sint sine sordibus ungues, inque caua nullus stet tibi nare pilus. nec male odorati sit tristis anhelitus oris, nec laedat nares uirque paterque gregis. cetera lasciuae faciant concede puellae et si quis male uir quaerit habere uirum.

Keep your nails pared, and dirt-free; Don’t let those long hairs sprout In your nostrils, make sure your breath is never offensive, Avoid the rank male stench That wrinkles noses. Beyond this is for wanton women Or any half-man who wants to attract men.

For women, he advises no body hair:

Quam paene admonui, ne trux caper iret in alas neque forent duris aspera crura pilis

I was going to advise you about grim, goaty armpits, and rough, bristling hair on your legs.

And then, concerning makeup:

non tamen expositas mensa deprendat amator pyxidas: ars faciem dissimulata iuuat.

But don’t let your lover find all those jars and bottles On your dressing table: the best Makeup remains unobtrusive.

He continues, on the topic of hairdos:

munditiis capimur: non sint sine lege capilli; admotae formam dantque negantque manus. nec genus ornatus unum est: quod quamque decebit, eligat et speculum consulat ante suum. longa probat facies capitis discrimina puri: sic erat ornatis Laodamia comis. exiguum summa nodum sibi fronte relinqui, ut pateant aures, ora rotunda uolunt. alterius crines umero iactentur utroque: talis es adsumpta, Phoebe canore, lyra; altera succinctae religetur more Dianae, ut solet, attonitas cum petit illa feras.

What attracts us is elegance - so don’t neglect your hairstyle; Looks can be made or marred by a skilful touch. Nor will one style suit all: there are innumerable fashions, And each girl should look in her glass Before choosing what suits her reflection. Long features go best with A plain central parting: that’s how Laodamia’s hair was arranged. A round-faced lady Should pile all her hair on top, Leaving the ears exposed. One girl should wear it down on Her shoulders, like Apollo about to play The lyre; another should braid it in the style of the huntress Diana, when she’s after some frightened beast, Skirt hitched up.

For the final part of the makeover, Ovid suggests learning some Latin poetry, which luckily, you’re doing right now.

Part II : Get out into town

You wont meet someone special sitting at home, so create opportunities to meet people. Be bold, suggests Ovid: talk to the pretty girls that hang out at the temple of Palatine Apollo or in Pompey’s portico.

sera ueni positaque decens incede lucerna: grata mora uenies, maxima lena mora est; etsi turpis eris, formosa uidebere potis, et latebras uitiis nox dabit ipsa tuis.

Arrive late, when the lamps are lit; make a graceful entrance - Delay enhances charm, delay’s a great bawd. Plain you may be, but at night you’ll look fine

Men should take into account flattering lighting, when you’re meeting girls:

hic tu fallaci nimium ne crede lucernae: iudicio formae noxque merumque nocent. luce deas caeloque Paris spectauit aperto, cum dixit Veneri “uincis utramque, Venus.” nocte latent mendae uitioque ignoscitur omni, horaque formosam quamlibet illa facit.

Don’t trust the lamplight too much, It’s deceptive. When Paris examined those goddesses, when he said, “You Beat them both, Venus,” he did it in broad Daylight. But darkness hides faults, each blemish is forgiven: Any woman you name will pass As a beauty at night.

How do you approach someone you fancy? Easy, says old Ovid, here’s an example:
You’re sitting next to a pretty girl at the races…

hic tibi quaeratur socii sermonis origo, et moueant primos publica uerba sonos: cuius equi ueniant facito studiose requiras, nec mora, quisquis erit cui fauet illa, faue. at cum pompa frequens caelestibus ibit eburnis, tu Veneri dominae plaude fauente manu; utque fit, in gremium puluis si forte puellae deciderit, digitis excutiendus erit; etsi nullus erit puluis, tamen excute nullum.

Some excuse to engage in friendly conversation, Casual small talk at first - Ask, with a show of interest, whose are those horses Just coming past: find out Her favourite, back it yourself. When the long procession of ivory Deities approaches, be sure you give A big hand to Lady Venus. If some dust should settle In your girl’s lap, flick it away with your fingers; and if there’s no dust, still flick away - nothing.

Part III : Keep going

So, you’ve met a potential lover, but how do you actually seduce them?
Ovid states that victory is all about self-belief. Imagine yourself to be invincible, and chances are you will be.

prima tuae menti ueniat fiducia, cunctas posse capi: capies, tu modo tende plagas. uere prius uolucres taceant, aestate cicadae, Maenalius lepori det sua terga canis, femina quam iuueni blande temptata epugnet; haec quoque, quam poteris credere nolle, uolet.

The first thing to get in your head is that every single Girl can be caught - and that you’ll catch her if You set your toils right. Birds will sooner fall dumb in spring time, Cicadas in summer, or a hunting-dog Turn his back on a hare, than a lover’s bland inducements Can fail with a woman.

Keep in touch with your new love interest:

Sit tibi credibilis sermo consuetaque uerba, blanda tamen, praesens ut uideare loqui.

use everyday language, familiar yet flattering words, as though you were there, in her presence.

And:

Postque breuem rescribe moram: mora semper amantes incitat

Write back after a little delay: delay always fires up lovers

If you followed all the poet’s steps closely, you should have pulled. If not, keep trying. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

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Jonathan adds:

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I’ve found a complete English translation of Ovid’s poem, that you may wish to view here.

Posted by Jonathan in Art & Literature, History