I recently read in the paper about a man in Pakistan who gouged out the eyes of his wife and cut off her nose on suspicion of her being unfaithful. The most shocking part of this story is that in Pakistan such behaviour is not uncommon. Indeed, crimes such as killing ones wife for being unfaithful (or on suspicion of being unfaithful) are called ‘honour crimes‘ and are rarely prosecuted. In many parts of the world, female infidelity or promiscuity still ranks as a heinous crime. In many cases draconian punishments are meted out by the woman’s own family.

When we are quite finished being self-righteous about the more ‘civilized‘ morals of the western world, it is good to remember that there have been times when western cultures entertained similar attitudes particularly with respect to female infidelity, sometimes even with similar brutal consequences. Aside from the issue of the asymmetrical nature of such attitudes, an interesting question is how do we reconcile such behaviours with what we think of as ‘Love‘?

From Webster’s dictionary I take the following definition of love which describes our normal use of the word and is consistent with a very altruistic and generous state of mind:

Love; a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons…

This does not exactly explain an ‘OJ’ who is supposed to have cut the throat of the woman who had been his wife, and was the mother of his children. The woman he loved so much he could not let her go. OJ is quoted as having said;

If I was guilty of this crime, it could only have been because I ‘loved her’ too much.

How do we explain the Pakistani man who cut his wife’s eyes out? Was that ‘for love‘?

What about the millions of people who get insanely jealous to the point of being destructive to the person they ‘love‘, rather than let another have them? In fact, what about people who deliberately provoke their partners because they view the subsequent jealousy as ‘a sign of love‘? And what about stalkers, is that ‘love‘? What about unrequited or jilted love? How does that ‘turn’ into hate, in the bat of an eye? How does a ‘lover‘ suddenly become a ‘hater‘ immediately after being dumped?

In case I left the impression that I think horrible behaviours towards the object of ones love is primarily a male phenomenon, I don’t. Women may tend to be less physically violent, but divorce courts, abuse shelters, every day relationships, and graveyards are full of men and women who treat each other in ways that are in no way reconcilable with the way we commonly think of ‘love‘. It is so common that we are not surprised when we see these behaviours in associated with people who love, or have loved, each other.

If we believe that love is so altruistic, generous, and beautiful, how should we explain how it also often inspires our most ‘horrific‘ behaviour? Are the behaviours we observe in the real world consistent with our understanding of love as a ‘deep and tender feeling of affection‘, or an ‘attachment or devotion‘? Or, is our understanding of love conceptually flawed, sentimental Bullshit!?

Yes, I believe it is.

You might also enjoy reading:-

• Russian Women
• Mate Love
• Altruism may enhance sex appeal
• What’s Wrong With Romance?
• Murphy’s sex laws

Posted by Scott in Philosophy, Psychology

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