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Several times we’ve seen people selling training courses that claim to teach you rapport skills. And, I’m sure these very same people would just love to charge you for every moment that you use a wonderful free resource like the internet.
Rapport is an extremely simple skill that can be of use in certain limited situations, but paying 100s of pounds for someone to spend time teaching you how to establish and build rapport seems downright dishonest to me, so I’ll tell you how to do it for free! Now, the marvellous thing is that you don’t need to join a group to practise this; you can simply choose any person as a partner (family member, friend, co-worker, even a complete stranger) and practise with them. They don’t even need to be told what you’re doing.
One of the most powerful ways to build rapport is to match your partner’s use of predicates (process words that people use to represent their experiences) and the representational system (visual, auditory or kinaesthetic) that they are favouring at the time you’re interacting with them. This system will tend to be reflected in your partner’s choice of predicates. People who are currently using a visual sensory modality might be heard using phrases such as “looks good to me”, “that’s clear” and “get perspective” etc. as a way of illustrating their experiences to you; whilst people using an auditory sensory modality might “hear where you’re coming from”, have an experience that “rings a bell” or perhaps they’ll “be in harmony”, in their manner of speaking. Similarly, using a kinaesthetic modality, you might hear that someone “grasped your point”, “smoothed things out” or maybe they were “all washed up”. Just keep cool, calm and collected and you’ll pick this stuff up very quickly.
If you match your own predicates (visual, auditory or kinaesthetic) to those which your partner uses most frequently, then the result will be that your partner experiences you as someone who quite literally speaks their language, understands their model of the world and is therefore trustworthy.
Another way to establish rapport is by mirroring your partner’s body posture, movements, facial expression, breathing rate and tonality etc. (basically almost everything other than the words they use). Put very simply, you copy their analogue behaviour as best you can; so as an example, if they speak quickly and tilt their head then you also (respectfully) speak quickly and tilt your head. The result of this mirroring is that your behaviour unconsciously becomes very closely identified with that of your partner, and forms a feedback loop for them.
A more advanced form of mirroring is ‘cross-over mirroring‘. To do this, you mirror an analogue behaviour, using a different part of your body than that which your partner is using. As an example, you could mirror someone’s breathing rate by tapping your foot at the same tempo they are breathing at. Milton Erickson used cross-over mirroring extensively for leading people into trance to accomplish his hypnotic and therapeutic work, and it is said that he had the ability to notice small muscle changes, pulse rates and skin colour changes etc. He would then use this form of mirroring by adapting his own body movements; voice tonality and tempo to a characteristic of his client that he wished to utilise, in order to gain rapport.
In the event that you choose to establish rapport, it is then a good idea to build on the rapport you have gained, and demonstrate (either through words or actions) to the person you are communicating with that you understand their model of the world and their situation. Showing that you understand (rather than giving sympathy) is fundamental to the changework that therapists such as Milton Erickson carried out. And as a consequence, of this demonstration, the person you are communicating with will know that anything they learn from you comes from someone who understands the context in which it should be utilized.
Most likely you would want to convince the person you are talking with that you are a loving person that is not going to abuse or hurt them in some way. And, at that point, your work establishing and building rapport has ended.
This is all remarkably simple stuff, but unless you’re trained as a Therapist or Counsellor then further intervention should be unnecessary. Dealing with extreme situations or personality disorders is a special situation, and when you really think about it, a ‘Fatal Attraction‘ style of relationship wouldn’t be too much fun. If people really don’t want to talk to you, or seem unbalanced, just leave them be, and move on.
You might also enjoy reading:-
- The errors of Rapport based seduction systems
- Covert hypnosis: without tears
- What makes oral sex so appealing?
- Avoiding cockblocking
- Manipulation: Sleight of Mouth
Posted by Jonathan in Psychology, Sociology